Cockahoop: a blog by Todd Stadler

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By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, June 3, 2009 9:45am · Permanent link

Three things that, for whatever reason, stuck in my head on my bus ride into work this morning:

• A man driving a pickup truck with a "Got Chris Isaak?" bumper sticker on it. I ... what? Of all the permutations of that hyper-cliched milk slogan, this is by far the most baffling to me.
• I was reading the third chapter of the book of Revelation, when I was struck by the NIV translation of verse 12: "Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God." I don't think I've ever before seen a pronoun in the objective case start a sentence. I guess that's proper grammar, as it's the object of the verb "will make", but it still made me read it a few times.
• By far the most curious thing that happened was when a man got on the bus at 12th and Powell, carrying a watermelon. Well, half a watermelon. Which was unwrapped. And looked like he'd already been digging into it. The bus driver said something I couldn't hear to him, clearly about how he couldn't bring that on the bus. So the man turned around and chucked the watermelon out the door, into the bushes. And didn't seem all that upset about it, really.

Holy days, and how we celebrate them

By Todd Stadler · Tuesday, April 7, 2009 7:45am · Permanent link

And now, today's completely original (as far as I could be bothered to determine by sharing it with a few coworkers, all of whom appeared to think that I was the first person to say such a thing to them) thought from me: American holidays, what's up with them, am I right?

To unpack that thought, I've noticed that American holidays tend to fall into two categories, which I will crudely dub "native" and "foreign". And, I will claim, the native holidays tend to revolve around eating too much, whereas the foreign holidays are exclusively for drinking too much.

What am I talking about? Well, there's Thanksgiving. Which is almost entirely about overeating, combined with a light sprinkling of dubious history. And Halloween, which is about eating waaay too much candy, though there are a few rituals you have to endure before you can justify your gluttony.

Most of the native holidays are like that, putting on some song and dance so you don't notice all the eating. Fourth of July? Sure, there's fireworks, but don't tell me it's not about the cookout. All summer holidays are about the cookout. Most people don't even have a vague idea what Labor Day or Memorial Day are supposed to be except as proper bookends to the cookout season, marked by sales and, well, eating lots of black-striped food.

But the foreign holidays! If a particular day or time of year is associated with a culture other than America's, it's all about the drinking.

St. Patrick's Day? I'm Irish(ish), gimme a beer. If it'll encourage the cultural distinction, make it green. And gimme another one, for good, um, Irish measure.

Cinco de Mayo? I have no idea what we're celebrating here (hint: it isn't Mexico's independence day, people), but gimme a tequila. Or at least a lousy Mexican beer. Olé.

Mardi Gras? Admittedly, Americans can't bring themselves to associate with the French directly (in spite of the holiday's name), so they glom onto some French culture by way of Louisiana by way of the Canadian Maritime provinces. And celebrate it, naturally, with excessive drinking to the degree that many people forget how their shirts work.

Oh, and Oktoberfest? Despite the confusion about the month in which it should be celebrated, there is no confusion about whether it involves drinking copious amounts of beer. It does. The purists can drink too much actual German beer, though as long as you're having a sausage with your Bud Light (or three), it's all good.

The question this all raises is: what does this say about America? Is it, as my coworker Dorothy wondered, evidence of a still-seething Puritanical ethic? Is drinking too much something only those unwashed immigrating masses do, but I can be excused just this once (twice, or several times a year) for getting blotto in the name of learning about other cultures?

I have no idea. But now I'm hungry for some German sausage.

On Muppets and the Internet

By Todd Stadler · Tuesday, April 7, 2009 7:00am · Permanent link

I was going to write an entry about how, every time I see someone wearing something made of polar fleece or similar material, I want to go up to them and ask, in mock seething outrage, "Do you know how many Muppets were killed to keep you warm and casually fashionable?"

But then I couldn't remember if I'd written about that already (perhaps I commented as much on someone else's blog?), so I googled for the phrase "do you know how many Muppets ..." to see if I could find my own comment. Naturally, I found hundreds of people making the same joke already — and none of them me (at least, in the first page of results ... I'm lazy).

That's what the Internet does: It tells you that you're not original, and then it kicks you while you're down and says you're not even original compared to the bunch of pimply-faced nerds and egotistical Narcissi that comprise the Internet's audience (present company excluded, of course).

I suppose that's not a very original observation, even, but you can bet your bottom dollar I won't be googling to find out if others — including me — have already said as much. Oh no. From here on out, I'm just writing down my own (original, thank you very much) thoughts.

And back-dating them to 1996, so that everyone will be, like, "Oh wow, that guy was the first to think of that, though he didn't show up in the Wayback Machine until this week, which is odd, but that site often has issues, I suppose."

Dairy product humor

By Todd Stadler · Monday, March 30, 2009 8:29am · Permanent link

We were driving to an infant CPR class yesterday morning, but I hadn't gotten up early enough to eat breakfast at home, so I had a yogurt cup with me in the car.

I was able to take bites whenever I was stopped at a red light, and I became fairly proud of my ability to eke as much yogurt enjoyment out of every stop as possible, timing it so that I put down the cup just as the light turned green.

Justifiably, I thought to myself, "If I were a Native American, they'd call me Well-Timed Yogurt Cup User."

But then I realized, no, that's thinking too humbly. If I were in Victorian England, I'd be Baron Yoghurt-Cupp. I'd introduce myself to some lady (perhaps even a Lady) wearing some oversized doily and say, "Hello, I'm Baron Yoghurt-Cupp."

And, obviously slightly taken aback (but trying to hide it, according to the mores of the day), she'd say, "Oh, what an interesting name. C-U-P-P?"

To which I'd reply, "Not if I close the door! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Oh my, how I'd laugh inappropriately loudly and lengthily. Stupid Victorians.

Elmotronica

By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, March 18, 2009 7:22pm · Permanent link

Not too long ago, I got to hang out with my Australian nephew and family in Houston. He was playing with a toy firetruck which had lots of buttons that made various firetruck and/or safety-related noises — you know, samples of sirens, horns, and various admonitions I believe would never be uttered by an actual fireman.

It was a bit annoying, if only because he kept hitting the same button over and over, but without much sense of rhythm (fair enough, he's a toddler, but it does cause one to wonder if he heard enough Mozart while in utero).

Anyhow, there are those who argue that such toys are fairly harmless, although I would think that the homicidal tendencies engendered in any adults within hearing distance of the continuous, erratic repitition of "Raise up the ladder! Raise up the, Raise, Raise, Rai, Raise up the, Raise up the ladder!" would be enough to label such a toy a safety hazard.

But as so often happens, as I was on the edge of sanity, I was struck by the creative muse — my nephew's annoying toy could be made into my (slightly-less-annoying) musical instrument! Thus was born this song, which I call "Don't Forget Ur Safe-T Gear!"

So when asking yourself, "What toy should I get for Todd's child?" consider this follow-up question: "Would I like to hear Todd playing songs like this on said toy (should that be possible) late at night outside my bedroom window?" Because I think that's an interesting question.