Todd Stadler's blog

congratulations, julia!

Big, ebullient, internet-sized congratulations go to Girlfriend Julia on her recently passing her "oral qualifying examination" at Berkeley. She now has a master's degree in chemistry.

I'm very grateful to God for helping me and Julia through this time, and for answering a whole lot of prayers.

Of course, this means Julia is now quantifiably smarter than I am, in addition to being prettier. But as long as I remain the stronger one, my ego will soldier on.

Again, extinction-level-event-caliber-asteroid-size congratulations to my wonderful girlfriend Julia. You rock.

a cynic reads cnn

I was feeling rather snippy when I read an article on CNN.com last week concerning Bush's speech on Osama, Iraq, and what-not. So naturally, I decided to take out my snippiness on you, dear reader.

(The quotes from the CNN article were taken from sometime last week, and the article linked to above may now read differently.)

WASHINGTON (CNN) ... During his first formal news conference of the year, Bush said he is committed to modernizing the U.S. nuclear arsenal while reducing the number of nuclear warheads.

Pointing to a nuclear weapon on the table in front of him, Bush noted that aging weapons such as this could destroy at most several hundred thousand people, and would be difficult to fit into a backpack. He asked Americans if they could live in a world where all of humanity could not be destroyed in less than five minutes, the amount of time it would take to destroy the earth using existing weapons.

But he said the key word of the U.S. nuclear policy is deterrence. "We've got all our options on the table because we want to make it very clear to nations that you will not threaten the United States or use weapons of mass destruction against us or our allies or friends," said Bush.

That sort of action is reserved solely for America, he said, noting once again that Iraq would see regime change in the next year, hopefully aided by powerful "Daisy Cutter" bombs "or a special surprise".

Bush also said he is "deeply concerned about Iraq and so should the American people" because that country is run by Saddam Hussein, a man who killed his own people with chemical weapons.

America, Bush noted, prefers mainly to kill people from other countries, preferably evil ones. When it does kill its own people, it does so slowly and surreptitiously, and apologizes for it decades later, something Hussein has yet to do. "Saddam also has an evil-looking mustache", Bush noted.

Bush said Hussein must have something to hide, otherwise he would allow international inspectors into his country to verify Baghdad is not building weapons of mass destruction.

Bush hastened to add that such logic did not apply to revealing the members of the vice president's committee on energy, which was a matter of principle, and not a case of having anything to hide. "We would love to tell you what companies bought a piece of our energy policy, but we don't want that information falling into the hands of evildoers," said Bush.

"[Hussein] is a problem, and we're going to deal with him. The first stage is to consult with our allies and friends, and that's exactly what we're doing," Bush said, pointing out that Vice President Dick Cheney is in the region this week for that purpose.

"As we talk, Dick is telling Tony [Blair] the exact words to say when he speaks to the British public later on this week," added Bush.

By contrast, Bush downplayed concern on the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, saying the accused terrorist mastermind is on the run and "I truly am not that concerned about him."

When asked to confirm that Osama was the pretext under which we initially invaded Afghanistan, Bush became agitated and fired back that "we have created goodness - isn't that enough?". He then questioned the "lack-of-evil-ness" of anyone who would ask such a question, adding that "evil is bad".

Bush said that U.S. forces are "performing brilliantly" in rooting out bin Laden's al Qaeda fighters in Afghanistan. "We are at war to keep the peace," Bush said, comparing the war on terrorism to World War II.

"We have always been at war to keep the peace, and as long as Oceania, er Osama bin Laden makes unpeace, we will double plus destroy his minions," Bush promised.

On the escalating violence in the Middle East, ... Bush criticized Israel for its military reaction to terrorist attacks.

"A military reaction to terrorism can only lead to further terrorism, and therefore escalating military reactions," he said. "This leads to pointless bloodshed. Unless, of course, you're America. In that case, military reaction is the only proper reaction, and the terrorists will be stunned into disbanding."

"Frankly, it's not helpful what the Israelis have recently done in order to create conditions for peace. I understand someone trying to defend themselves and to fight terror, but the recent actions aren't helpful."

Bush added, "By that, I mean their actions, not America's. Our actions have been double plus helpful."

On domestic issues, Bush accused a few senators of "standing in the way of justice" for blocking the confirmation of his judicial nominees.

When asked to clarify the term "justice", Bush waved his hands and said that if Americans elected him president, then his will must be their will, and since he is against evil, those opposing his will must clearly be evil. Bush then threatened to nuke anyone who asked another question.

He pointed out that the Senate Judiciary Committee is scheduled to vote Thursday on the nomination of Charles Pickering to the United States Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit. ... The president said lawmakers were ignoring their constitutional obligation to confirm nominees in a timely fashion and were turning the process into "ideological battles that delay justice and hurt our democracy."

"I hate ideological battles", said Bush, "and so I urge my fellow politicians to end bipartisan bickering once and for all and fall in line behind me. Now!" Bush then adopted a very serious glare and started counting, hands planted on hips. "One, two, three..."

... Bush said those senators who would block the full Senate vote were seeking to "undermine the nominations of candidates who agree with my philosophy that judges should interpret the law, not try to make law from the bench."

"This is plainly unfair", said Bush. "They are, in effect, checking my power and keeping it in balance. I am trying to remake this government in my own image, and they won't let me." Bush added that the framers of the Constitution would have agreed with him, since they were firmly opposed to evil.

safety rules!

People often ask me questions about safety because I have so many safety-related posters in and around my bedroom. One such question I was asked recently was "what are some good guidelines for safely carrying a large tub of water?".

I understand that this is a problem that many people have, so I thought I would answer the question publicly, taking full advantage of this cyber-medium we call the internet.

• Make sure that the tub of water has a lid, so that the water will not slosh out of the tub and negate your ability to carry it, possibly moistening your person in the process.
• Lift the tub of water with your legs, not with your back. It is even more preferable to lift the tub with your arms and hands.
• Look both ways before crossing the street with the tub.
• Make sure that the tub does not contain any sharp objects which might accidentally lodge themselves in your person.
• If carrying the tub during an eclipse, don't look directly at the sun.
• Should you happen to come between a bear cub and its mother while carrying the tub, it is best to hop into the tub of water and pretend you are a harmless salmon, as bears and salmon are natural friends.
• Do not under any circumstances attempt to swallow the entire contents of the tub so that you may more easily carry around an empty tub, with the plan to later empty the water back into the tub upon reaching your destination. This will only end in tears.
• Make sure that you are not, in fact, carrying a tub of acid. Tubs of acid look like tubs of water, but have devastatingly different effects on the human body.
• Do not attempt to carry a tub of water in extremely cold weather, as you will find it impossible. The water will quickly turn to ice, and I am not able to advise you on carrying large tubs of ice.
• If you are carrying the tub as part of a hazing ritual, do not complain about how heavy it is, as those hazing you will only give you more.
• Above all else, remain calm when carrying a large tub of water. It will soon pass.

I hope that clears up any questions on that matter. I also hope the next entry will not rely on bullet points so much for content. Thanks for bearing with me.

you know you're a rush fan when...

I apologize to those remain wholly ignorant of progressive rock and its Canadian practitioners, but this entry will make no sense whatsoever to you. Not that I'm promising anything to the rest of you.

Without further ado, you know you're a rush fan when:

• You think that all Rush lyrics were written specifically about you - even "Rivendell".
• You fly to Toronto several times a year just to get more luggage tags.
• They also call you the working man.
• You quote lyrics as words of wisdom to your friends in e-mails and you can't wait to press the button to send them amazing things.*
• You also have chosen free will.
• You can play the drum, bass, and guitar parts to "YYZ" - on the harmonica!
• You named your dogs By-tor and Cinderella Man.
• You know people who are drummers, just like that guy in Rush.
• You have memory and awareness, but your shape is kind of pudgy.
• You are, in fact, Alex Lifeson.
• For breakfast this morning, you had honeydew and the Milk of Paradise.
• Tonight you're going to party like it's 2112.
• You went to Space Camp in the hopes that it would qualify you to become an astronaut so you could journey to the black hole of Cygnus X-1, but Space Camp turned out to be kind of lame, and you hated the food.
• Your refrigerator is decked out with Rush things.*
• You have caught both the spirit and the spit - of Geddy Lee!
• You have taken to dressing like Neil Peart a la A Farewell to Kings, no matter what the hoi polloi say about your mustache and boots.
• You finally get your hands on the internet and the first thing you enter is "Rush" and you can't wait to see amazing things.*
• You were born in Indiana, not lotus-land.
• You own a Rush album - maybe two.
• You modified your gleaming alloy aircar so that it is now two lanes wide.
• You have a friend who has seen Rush in concert and said they're "awesome".
• You thought Gene Kelly's portrayal of Kubla Khan in Xanadu was really subpar, and that was no pleasure dome - it was a roller rink!
• You are an asocial nerd with long stringy hair, wearing a t-shirt with a computer-related logo on it, and you like rock music.
• You're standing on top of an RV in the reserved RV section at the Daytona 500 cranking up "Red Barchetta" on your headphones and substituting certain words that fit perfectly.*
• You dance on the strings of powers you cannot conceive.
• You have written the word "Rush" on your algebra notebook several times in different styles.
• You once sought the sacred t-shirt A.L.F.
• You wish someone would say "Gentlemen, Fire up the willing engines" at a NASCAR race.*
• You really like Rush.
• You keep all your friends equal by hatchet, axe...and saw!

* Okay, fine, these starred entries weren't written by me, I found them a long time ago on some Rush fanatic web page that contained a "you know you're a Rush fan when" list. It was this list, sadly no longer to be found on the internet as we know it, that compelled me to compose the heap of sarcasm you just read.

There. No more prog-rock entries for a bit, I promise. I just had to get that out of my system.

new week, new spam

You know, I don't just send e-mail, I receive it as well. Often in large quantities, from obnoxious people who don't really know me. But every once in a while, I find something to appreciate between the "girls! girls! girls!" and the "money! money! money!".

Such is the case with this week's highlighted spam, which comes all they way from yahoo.com, from a guy named Chad, whose handle is, oddly, Swisscheesechick02. Already you can tell that Chad is no ordinary spammer.

No, Chad rises above the spam like so much fatty oil, turning it into an art form. While most of his contemporaries are content with the naughty words, the lurid descriptions, and the exclamation points, Chad's screeds read like poetry. Thrill with me:

Subject: Release my lonely heart

I feel like I'm trapped. The moon above me is as big as my aching heart. I long to be held, caressed, kissed and coddled. I need my flesh as well as my soul nourished by the touch of another!

Oh! Release me from my misery and provide me with company. Pay attention to me and appreciate my femininity!

Not completely unlike Shakespeare, that. Or at least decent junior high poetry.

Upon first reading this e-mail, I assumed that it was yet another girl throwing herself at my feet because of my perceived web development prowess.

What tipped me off to the bulk, unsolicited qualities of this missive was the link embedded in the last sentence of the e-mail (not duplicated here), which pointed me to a web site with "amateurgirlz" in its URL.

Maybe said web site is merely a repository of poems written by women who do not get paid, and thus are, in one sense, amateurs.

Or perhaps in these tough economic times, English Lit. majors are being forced to find work where they can, including writing correspondence for web sites of a more prurient nature.

I'll never know, because I refuse to follow the link, preferring to bask in ignorance.

And isn't that what the internet is really all about?

you are invited

Me and my housemates (collectively, albeit uninspiredly referred to as "the pink house" for reasons I will leave to your imagination) are throwing a party this Saturday for St. Patrick's Day.

As always, the Cock-a-hoop reading public is invited to attend, provided that they already know where I live, as I'm not giving out my address on the internet.

Of course, those super-sneaky sleuths out there should have no trouble figuring out where I live. That's the power of this privacy sinkhole we call the internet.

But for the rest of you, you can at least read the official invitation to the party, written by Yours Truly (which is the pen name I use). It's the next best thing to being there, although it's a pretty poor runner-up, I must say.

Ah, Ireland.

That famous Emerald Isle. Famous for its plucky musical groups with big sunglasses and bigger hearts, and a little-known little man named St. Patrick.

Yes, St. Patrick, born in 1956 to a pair of itinerant farm workers who would later go on to form the rhythm section of the Proclaimers. "St.", as his friends called him, was a quirky fellow.

For instance, he loved the color green - so much so that he painted every plant in Ireland that color. And that's why today all the plants in Ireland are green. It's a fact!

He also hated snakes. This hatred caused him to invent an industrial grade snake poison and to spray it on Ireland's crops using an old cropduster. The poison was ineffectual on snakes, but turned out to be a top-notch herbicide. This eventually led to the Great Irish Potato Famine.

But most of all, St. Patrick loved his beer. He loved it so much that he drank it. And then he was lonely without his love around, so he ordered another beer. And he loved that beer even more - and so desired to drink it as well. This continued on for several hours, until St. Patrick invented drunkenness.

Yes, he brought a lot into this world. And this Saturday, March 16th, St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate all that this obscure man did. Come celebrate beer, greenness, and a generous lack of snakes with us, at the pink house (which looks green, if you're colorblind).

Ah, St. Patrick. If you're not Catholic, you may not have heard of him. And if you're not Catholic, you're not bloody welcome at our party. Ha ha, just kidding. That's an old Irish joke.

As you can tell, we at the pink house love humor and revisionist history almost as much as we love friends and loud music, or chocolate and peanut butter. Why not come celebrate with us?

But bring your own chocolate and peanut butter.

no comment - no more

As part of a continued effort to please you, the Cock-a-hoop customer, or at least keep myself busy, I have added the ability to add comments to certain journal entries.

Yes, now you too can write things that appear on the World Wide Web - just like the pros do!

Of course, while everybody else with a webpage sensibly uses well-designed software packages that add comment functionality, I decided it would be nice to cobble together my own system.

As such, you may find some bugs - or features disguised as bugs! - in the system. As always, feel free to tell me about any problems.

Now go and speak your mind, and stop your mumbling about me behind my back!

And now for a moment of clarity and self-pity:

If no one uses these comments, I will be forced to conclude that I am as rampantly unpopular as my web page traffic statistics tell me I am. I will be made to admit that I am shouting into the darkness, throwing words off a cliff, and generally dancing with myself. Oh oh!

So please, for the sake of the brittle universe I have constructed in which my webpage matters, and also for the sake of your ego, which could use some artificial inflation from seeing your name in lights (albeit that sickly glow from your screen), why not post something irrelevant or inflammatory on the comments page?

Otherwise, I will be forced to juice up my imagination that much more, to the point where I can still justify feeling that I have made the world a better place simply by adding to its noise level. And that would put me at near-delusional levels.

So for me, for you, for the children - we can't forget about the children! - post a comment today. It costs less than a cup of coffee a day. And it's the least you can do.

Thank you.

hoody hoo!

A hooded robe? A hooded robe?

Why on earth would you need a hooded robe? So your head won't get wet when you go out skulking in the murky rainforest after a nice shower?

So you can look more monk-y when you walk around without any underwear on?

So you can play the part of the Terry Cloth Boxer, sauntering up to the ring?

Man, people in 1980 were goofy.

I mean, an owl-themed bathroom? Owls may be symbols of wisdom and all, but carpeted toilets? Not so much.

I've said my peace.

oops, i didn't shave again

I recently found myself unshaven and growing a beard. This is the tale of what happened.

It's not that I intended to grow facial hair. I don't really like the stuff. It's scratchy. It catches food. And, between you and me, it makes me look older. Bah.

However, it's not like I enjoy the act of shaving much more. If, as they say, men were intended to draw sharp razors across their faces, they'd have been made with sharp blades on their hands, like in that Johnny Depp flick. And we all know how that ended.

And even if shaving were a simple, natural act, it would still be unnecessary for the unemployed or anti-social man. I am not, per se, anti-social, but I do spend most of my weekday hours sitting in front of a computer screen. And on the internet, no one knows if you've shaved (except you priveleged webcam users, darn you!). They can't even tell if you're naked (ditto).

So it was that I found myself unshaven for a period of several days. As such, my facial hair had progressed beyond mere stubble to that particular level where people asked me if I was intentionally not shaving.

With this critical hair mass, I moved from the growing stage into the shaping/shaving stage. This was, for reasons that now escape me, a rather exciting prospect.

After all, the ability to rapidly change my appearance from day to day - now I am a bearded sage, now I am a goateed beatnik - put me on the level of the most clever international spy.

In the past, I have always chosen to whittle my beard away in small chunks, allowing for a maximum number of different appearances, and therefore maximum fun.

I refer to this as the "bonsai beard". As you well recall from your cultural diversity lessons, the bonsai tree is to be trimmed such that you cut away everything that shouldn't be there. The same applies to the bonsai beard.

The problem with this analogy is that what I always want trimmed is the whole enchilada. Because, as I said, I don't like facial hair. I suppose the fun is in ridding yourself of that which annoys you.

Anyhow, those intervening days of increasingly less facial hair - hoo boy, were they wacky!

As seen in the pictorials at right, I chose this time to avoid the more complicated jawline elements and focus mainly on the goatee and its subsets, the soul patch and mustache.

Many will tell you that research into goatees is overabundant and unnecessary, and that new areas need to be explored. What of the rare neck beard, they ask. What of the waxed mustache? And these are important questions.

But just once in his life, a man has his time. And my time is now...

I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought there. Anyhow, my point is this: I grew some facial hair. I took some photos. And I put them on this web site.

I think there's something we can all learn from that.

i do not want them, spam i am

In spite of my vigorous excoriations of past spammers on this public web site, I continue to receive unsolicited bulk e-mail.

You might call it "spam".

The temerity of these would-be hoodwinkers galls me. So I have no choice but to publicly humiliate them again until they stop, and to use as many five dollar words as I know while doing it.

The first e-mail I got was actually rather clever. It read, in full:

Mike,

Thanks again for lunch it was great!

Best regards,
Steve.

Longtime Cock-a-hoop readers will recognize that my name is not Mike.

And had I been a little more sleep-deprived on that fateful Wednesday when I received this e-missive, I might have replied to Mr. Steve that not only is my name not Mike, but I did not have lunch with him.

But I wasn't dropped on my head just yesterday. I know a bamboozlement attempt when I see one. Steve (if that is his real name) may simply be looking for responses that indicate functioning e-mail addresses.

I won't give him the satisfaction. Instead, I will post my response here in this pulic forum:

Steve,

No problem, but the next lunch is on you.

If you do not want to have lunch with me and do not with to be contacted in the future about this meal, click here ha ha ha.

Sincerely,
Mike

That'll learn 'im.

The other spam I got was less sneaky. Its subject line said "Bulk Email Works!", while the full text of its body said, simply:

[Error: Formatting error: Non-hexadecimal character in QP encoding]

Which, you know, brings the veracity of the subject line into question.

ferreting out the real issues

If you are at all like me, you are convinced that the American media has a severe bias. For instance, while CNN may tell you that Californians are voting in the primaries March 5, they don't say a thing about ferrets. And I find that a bit odd.

I mention this because Girlfriend Julia recently pointed out to me that there is a nut running for California lieutenant governor - a ferret nut!

And he has a web site - www.ferretsanon.com - which proclaims itself "the original Ferrets Anonymous website". This is not to be confused with the original Ferrets Anonymous novella, which is at www.ferretsanonovella.com.

And what would you find if you yourself visisted good ol' FerAnon? Why, the rantings of a man who's crazy! Crazy for ferrets, that is.

You can listen to Pat Wright - seen here about to sneeze on his beloved fuzzy Webster - talk about why he is running for lieutenant governor in a tale that not only involves an admission of brandishing a knife at a police officer, but also has something to do with red shoes.

But wait, there's more. There's also a logo that I think incorporates the silhouette of a squirrel, and an unexplained picture of dog and a ferret, linked to from the front page with the text "Dog Meets Ferret".

Seriously, California, isn't it time you got rid of the multi-issue candidates who screw things up all the time? Haven't you seen the error of your ways?

I ask all Californians to put an end to pork barrel politics - and begin a new season of ferret tube politics.

Thank you, and good night.