Todd Stadler's blog

Are you ready for some World War III?

So it would seem that, according to an article I recently read, World War III is imminent. Or already here. Maybe it started a few years ago. It's unclear.

(Hey, do you think President Bush pronounces "unclear" as "un-kya-lur"? Ha, trick question! Bush doesn't know the meaning of the word "unclear"! His inimitable resolve is matched only by his amazing foresight! Or maybe his limited vocabulary. But either way, he definitely doesn't know the meaning of "unclear".)

Anyhow, World War III. Says who? Says the leader of the free world, for one. And Newt Gingrich. Why, even bleeding-heart, liberal, dyed-in-the-wool, Democrat-with-a-capital-D Joe Lieberman agrees — it's not just the Great War, it's the Greatestest! What more proof do you need?

That said, I don't really get exactly who or what is supposed to comprise this war. In World War I, we had the Allied Powers vs. the Central Powers. World War II gave us the Allied Powers vs. the Axis Powers. So to have a world war (World War®?), it seems you have to have an Allied Powers, but the only thing I've heard of is that we're part of the Coalition of the Willing, which I guess makes us the Coalesced Powers. I know we're fighting the Axis of Evil (a foolish name for them to pick, but I guess it was chosen to distinguish them from World War II's Axis, which was mum as to its evilness). But one of the countries in the Axis of Evil is now free and democratic (I speak, of course, of Iraq, where they got what we came for). And given that we're not doing anything about them, I assume North Korea has pretty much stopped being evil. And it seems pretty lame for Iran to have an Axis all to itself.

But I'm excited nonetheless. World Wars® are awesome — you've seen the movies, right? And there's little disagreement that a much bigger war would be way more entertaining than the warmed-over fare we've had in the past few decades:

• Iraq: I know we attacked them because they refused to set up a Jeffersonian democracy, and I guess we're still fighting over there to make sure they don't back down on the whole electoral college idea. But still, America set up its own democracy in just a few months after Britain declared war on it. What's taking Iraq so long?
• Afghanistan: Oh, yeah. Um ... we're doing what where now?
• War on Terror: I still get scared sometimes, so I guess we haven't won this one. I'm not actually sure where it's taking place. Terroristan, maybe?
• The Gulf War: Super lame. Admit it, you're embarrassed to wear your "Stormin' Norman" sweatshirt in public now, no matter how excited you were when you first got it.
• War on Drugs: We lost this one, right? But the Christian Scientists are still carrying out some kind of guerrilla tactics, I hear.
• War on Poverty: Hmm. I don't know the status of this one, either, but I've heard about some cops beating up some poor folks. But that would make it less a war and more a police action.

Look, the point is that all those old wars are history, because now we've got us a World War®, part three (III)!

And the main reason this is exciting is that with every World War®, you get a free ineffectual international organization! World War I® gave us the League of Nations, which I think was invaded by the Nazis or maybe burned down by Hitler in time for World War II®, which gave us the United Nations, which was plotted to be blown up by John Bolton, but the Democrats hindered him somehow. Anyhow, we'll need to get rid of the UN before we get our new war-fighting/approving/ignoring and historic-place-certifying organization.

And if there isn't already a name for the new international organization, I have some ideas:

• Super United Nations
• League of Nations 2.0
• Truly United Nations, Really
• League of Gentlemanly Nations
• League of 20,000 Nations Under the Sea
• The Real Hall of Justice
• Fortress of Problem-Solvitude
• The Olive-Branch Garden
• The Peacemake Factory
• Monda Registaro ("world government" in Esperanto ... I think)

So there's that to look forward to. But World Wars® also come with a rich set of traditions that makes the franchise so popular. For instance, just as in World Wars® I and II, in WWIII America was caught sleeping at the wheel until somebody blew something of ours up. And then there's the beloved tradition of marching through Belgium to attack France. Normally Germany plays this role, but they seem to be sitting out this World War® so far — understandably, given their past performances.

But the name — World War III — does that really cut it in these postmodern times? At the very least, can't we agree that Roman numerals are so early 20th century? World War 3.0 has a more hip ring to it, ne c'est pas? Such a naming convention would also allow us to consistently label subsequent squabbles without all those confusing geographical names. The Korean War? The Gulf War? Who cares! But World War 2.1 and World War 2.9, well, they just make sense.

Anyhow, break out the popcorn. This World War® is going to be awesome!

Joe Lieberman: truth-sayer!

Since it's so much easier to focus on the meaningless minutiae of politics than it is to actually face up to the depressing reality of today's American government system, I found myself reading yet another article about Joe Lieberman's 2006 Web site.

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular political lint fleck, Joe's Web site went down on the day of the Democratic primary for his Senate seat. He claims supporters of his rival, Ned Lamont, "hacked" his site. Other people think his site couldn't handle the heavy traffic of that day, or perhaps was run by less-than-competent folks.

Apropos of nothing in particular, I'm reminded of the quote "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity". Just sayin'.

Anyhow, the article I was reading contained a very important, very true quote from Lieberman.

Lieberman said the outage is hindering efforts to raise campaign money. "But of course that's the world we live in, that anybody, anywhere in the world, if able to, can hack into another site anywhere else in the world," Lieberman said Thursday while visiting Waterbury.

All egotism, selfishness, and boobery aside, Joe's right on this one. He's really right. In fact, he's not just really right — no, he's not just really, really right — he's tautologically right.

Why, did you know that anybody, anwhere in the world, if able to, can also do the following things?

• Move objects with his mind
• Cause time to flow backwards
• Eat 200 hot dogs in only five minutes
• Make Joe Lieberman realize he lost the primary and that he's not, in any meaningful sense, a Democrat anymore

Will someone please think of the children?!

Headlines of the future, now!

Oh, curse you, Wired News! Here I thought I was living in the future, but it turns out I'm still just in the present. Pooh.

I mean, how happy was I to read the headline "Giant Robot Imprisons Parked Cars"?

Sigh. But the story isn't what it seemed. I guess humans — and our cars — remain free from malevolence brought on by a race of giant, mechanized beings.

Like I said, pooh.

Penny stock photography

Well, nothing's happened in the ten minutes since I posted my last entry, so I guess it's time to make fun of stock photography.

Fig. A: the subject of my mockery

There I was, minding my own e-business (B2C, mind you), when I came across this stock photo of a businessperson's hands on a keyboard.

"Hey," I thought, "I'm not wearing a suit, but unless this photo is misleading, the people behind this Web site are, and that means I'm doing business with professionals. Not like those dirty hippie Web types that don't even tuck in their shirts!"

But then my keen observational powers kicked in, and I looked more closely at the photo. Something seemed a bit ... different ... about those hands.

"Hmm," I said to myself out loud, "the fingers aren't on home row!" And yet, my mind remained unsettled. "Look deeper," it said to me. "Okay," I said to it.

And that's when my mind showed me a vision ... a vision of how this stock photograph came to be.

Director of stock photography: Alright, people, we're here to shoot Hands on a Keyboard, so places, everyone.

Stock actor: Mr. Director, I was wondering what you had in mind for this one ...?

Director: Silence! Don't talk to me! You're just a stock actor — a nobody! Without me, you're just a pair of hands holding a bottle in a brown paper bag on a park bench. I'll give you a piece of my mind when I'm ready!

Actor: Okay then ... home row, it is. Let's see ... A ... S ... D ... F ... J ...

Director: What the ... ? What kind of stock photo do you think I'm shooting here? That's not typing — that's waiting! Your hands are just waiting there to begin typing! I want action! Danger! Romance! And you give me this sissified home row crap!

Actor: Hey now, I graduated cum laude from UCLA's School of Stock Acting, and ...

Director: Nobody! You are nobody without me!

Actor: Now you listen here, buster ... ! {the actor's hands begin to ball up in anger}

Director: {Cackling to himself} Good ... Good! Give in to your anger! Let the hate flow through you! {To the camera operator} Begin stock shooting.

Actor: {Begins pecking at the keyboard, slowly at first, but with increasing hostility. His thumbs curl up into stubs, paralyzed from anger.}

Director: Good ... Good! The hate is swelling in you now. You're not just angry at the keyboard — you're trying to murder it! The keyboard slept with your wife!

Actor: Graawr! {He begins pounding the keyboard, as bits of plastic start flying off it.} From hell's heart, I stab at thee with my fingers!

Director: Yes! Yes! Now do to that keyboard what you came here to do! Finish it!

Actor: Aaaaaaaaargh! {He picks up the keyboard and rips it in half with his hands, triumphantly lifting its rent, lifeless shell over his head.}

Director: Okay people, that's a wrap!

Actor: {Breathing heavily, slowly gnawing on one half of the keyboard} Grrrrrrrr ...

Director: That'll teach those idiots down at Getty Images to mock my work as "pedestrian"!

Of course, who can fathom the world of stock photography? After all, the above dialogue was all just a dream.

... Or was it?

A new term for the Web

Since Julia and I got back from Scotland, there hasn't been much going on in the world to talk about — pretty much smooth sailing as far as the eye can see — so I haven't had anything to say on this blog.

Actually, since I'm not logging much these days, it's hard to really say this is a blog, that is, a Web log, or a log of daily activities aboard this spaceship that we call "Earth", the likes of which is reproduced on the World Wide SuperWeb of Information Dot Com.

No, the Cockahoop blog is more like the skeletal remains of what once was a blog. Sort of a Web ruin, if you will.

Thus, ladies and gentlemen of the Web, I present to you this, the first ever "bruin".

So when other hipsters and digerati start referring to the objects of their neglection as bruins, as in "nobody reads my bruin anymore" or "bruins — gah!", then know that you read it here first.

Or, more likely, you didn't read it here. Because you long ago gave up on waiting for me to write something. And that's cool, too.