Todd Stadler's blog

You have celiac disease

I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but you have celiac disease. I found out by reading CNN.com. There, on the front page, I saw the following disturbing news:

Now, the bad news may not jump out at you at first. "Celiac disease?" you may mutter to yourself, "Isn't that where people are turned into ugly root vegetables?" Well, no. As CNN's home page makes clear, it's a "gluten allergy." Or, as the linked-to article explains, "celiac is not an allergy." But that's not the point.

The point is many Americans have this food-related illness, and many of us don't know it. How many? Apparently, most of us, since 300 million is the population of the United States. Which means you have celiac disease. Sorry. I wish you could have found out a different way.

I realize this will have a bit of an effect on the baking industry, since those with celiac disease (that is, all of us) need to avoid gluten, and gluten tends to be a popular way to bind grain starches together, having supplanted the previous method of epoxying bits of starch together by hand.

But the problem is bigger than just our friends at the local patisserie. According to the Wikipedia article on celiac disease, "it affects approximately 1% of Caucasian populations." Which, if my math is correct, means that there are, let's see ... 30 billion white people in America! When did this happen? Where did they come from? Where are we going to put them all? Will there be mandated adopt-a-Caucasian programs? Will I have to put up white people on our futon?

Anyhow, if there's anything to be taken from this health news, it's that we Americans should stop eating bread and cereals. And we should probably stop procreating. Hope that doesn't put a damper on anyone's plans this week.

This is not about you

I'm not usually given to laughing at people's names, but a recent article on a Multnomah County Circuit judge (a subject already ripe for humor) contained a surname that made for surreal reading.

The backstory was weird enough as it was: two next-door neighbors running against each other in a judicial race, one of whom had the other taken off the ballot because she failed to meet the residency requirements, even though the removed candidate had already been serving in that position to fill a vacancy.

But what makes the story compelling reading is the name of this former vacancy judge: Youlee Yim You. And no, it's not the repetitive or alliterative nature of her name that's interesting, or even the fact that her initials refer to a Quebec airport.

No, it's the striking resemblance that Youlee's surname bears to a certain second-person pronoun that makes this article so fun to read. Behold:

You will serve in the same courthouse as Multnomah County Circuit Judge Leslie Roberts, who filed to run against You last year and then successfully challenged [her] place on the ballot.

You and Roberts were neighbors. Many within the judiciary and the Oregon State Bar criticized Roberts, although her supporters said You should have realized that she did not meet the three-year residency requirement at the time she filed.

[...]

Both she and Roberts applied for a vacancy last year. Kulongoski appointed You, who then filed to run for the seat in the November election.

Roberts, who lived next door to You, said she realized that her neighbor did not meet the three-year residency requirement, but figured the Secretary of State's office would catch the problem.

But You cleared the Secretary of State's review.

Roberts filed to run against You on the deadline, and then told her neighbor that she did not think she qualified.

[...]

Neither You nor Roberts returned phone calls seeking comment.

Of course, the best quote on this matter came not from the article itself, but in the comments section of a local blog: "You be the judge."