Todd Stadler's blog

There's no place like home

Ah, see, the title to this post is so clever because ... no, never mind, you won't get it ... okay, fine, I'll tell you, but you still won't get it, it's too clever. Anyhow, I've more-or-less recently returned from Australia, which, see, the "Aussies" (that's Aussie for "Australian") sometimes refer to as "Oz", but it also refers to this (mythical) land in this movie, and when the (fictional) main character in that (real) movie returns from that (made-up) land, she says ... no, never mind, I really do give up this time.

Anyhow! It's been over a week since I got back, and I still haven't written anything on this blog about our time in Australia. So instead, lazy hack that I am, I will copy here the e-mail I sent out to my coworkers, alerting them to the fact that I had brought back some tasty Aussie cookies to share at the office.

It doesn't capture or summarize the vacation in any way, but it pretends to do so and tries to be funny in the process, and it's all I've got right now. Please note the new foreign vocabulary I also brought back with me.

"G'day",

How are you "going"? There are some Tim Tams, Australia's favo"u"rite "biscuit", out on the counter. There aren't "heaps of" them, but maybe enough for one each.

For those of you interested in what I learned on my trip to Australia's east coast, here is the summary:

1) Aussies would not, actually, "slip an extra shrimp on the barbie for you". Paul Hogan is a liar. First, Aussies call them "prawns". And I never saw anyone barbecue them, regardless. However, I did see them cook eggs on the barbie¹. So that's nice.

2) As a general rule, Australian toilets just flush down². That whole "anti-clockwise" swirling myth? A lie. Again, I blame Paul Hogan.

3) My goodness, eating at Outback Steakhouse³ did nothing to prepare me culturally for the Australian experience! Nothing! Who's to blame for this farce of a foreign restaurant? That's right: one Mick "Crocodile" Dundee. (Or so I assume.)

Um, "good on ya" and "no worries",

Todd

¹Cooking eggs on the barbie may, at first, seem odd or perhaps impossible to many Americans. That is because American barbecues tend to involve open grills and charcoal. Aussie barbies, at least that I saw, are propane-fueled, and some or all of the barbie surface is flat, like a griddle. Thus, cooking eggs on them isn't so odd. Instead, the question becomes: if your barbecue is just a large hot metal surface, albeit outdoors, what's the point? Why not use a pan in your kitchen? I'm no cultural anthropologist, but my best guess would be that Aussies don't like cleaning pans.

²This is based only on my experience, but I did have a lot of experience flushing toilets in Australia! Several times a day, often. And it was no good flushing the toilet and then trying to stir the water so that it swirled, because then the hotel manager would knock loudly on the door, complaining that that was the fortieth time you'd flushed the toilet, and you weren't even a paying guest, and would you please leave. Some people don't appreciate the scientific method.

³Great gravy! Did you know that there are actually two Outback Steakhouses in Australia? Why? Americans don't eat at crappy chain restaurants that mock traditional American fare! ... Okay, actually we do, but that's because we're Americans.

I know, I know, it's not fair. Not only do my coworkers get original material, while you get reheated leftovers (although the footnotes are a Web-only bonus, so you're not totally unloved), but they also got some darn fine cookies as part of the deal. You get nothing. Except this: a vague promise of not-at-all-funny post-vacation debriefings in the most indulgent blogging tradition.

Hey, it beats having to sit through all 327 photos I took of the Opera House! (Possibly an exaggeration, though I'm so lazy I haven't yet downloaded all my photos off my camera, so who can say?)