correspondence course

By Todd Stadler · Tuesday, May 15, 2001 12:14am

My friend Beeman is travelling in Spain right now. Beeman's a great guy. I like him a lot. So I sent him this clever apparent form letter, just to let him know how I feel:

will never know you didn't write it yourself!
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Hello, dear travelling friend! How are you doing? That's great! Me too. Yes, things are fine here in the town where we live. I have been hanging out with some of our mutual friends, but things are not the same without you. Our favorite hangout just seems empty. But I hope that you are having a good time over there. I hope to hear from you soon! Take care!
Sincerely, Your Friend
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Now simply press the "send" button on your e-mail program, and your friend

Very clever. That's how Beeman and I are to each other. In fact, he sent back a funny e-mail that was almost as clever as mine (how clever you perceive it to be may be mitigated by how much Spanish you know):

even in Spanish!
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Hola muchacha,
Yo quiero besarte abajo de la luz de la luna, y tocar tu chi-chis en una playa romantica. Despues, nos vamos a mi cuarto para hacer amor una vez, dos veces, por horas y horas, hasta estamos tan cansado para hacerlo otra vez.
Con mucho amor,
El Guapo
===========cut=here============
If you would like the form response for a same-sex friend, just click

Sometimes people call Beeman and I the "Clever Brothers", even though we aren't really brothers. Heck, we don't even have the same parents!

Still, we like to kid around, as evidenced by the following conversation which didn't actually take place, but was pieced together from e-mails Beeman and I sent each other while he was in Spain. If you think that's a clever way to write a story, just wait till you read the story itself!

Beeman:
Howdy kids. Interesting trip so far. My flight to Newark got hosed, so I got to stand in a bunch of lines for a few hours, and after 11 hours of "travel", I had reached Seattle.

Todd:
You suck. I could walk to Seattle in eleven hours. You must be doing something wrong. Are you on the marijuana?

Beeman:
... After my first meal, my credit card was refused. Hmmm. So I paid with what little cash I had left, and headed for the ATM, which refused my card. Trouble. Foreign country, no money, and no ability to get money.

Todd:
Oh yeah. Sorry about that. We were trying to, um, correct a mistake we saw in your bank account. I guess you must have, er, left your computer on, logged into your bank account. Yes, and we saw an accounting error and wanted to correct it. So we did. Everything should be fine now, though. You don't remember how much cash you had in your checking account before the trip, do you? Just wondering.

Beeman:
... And there's no cereal here! Aside from those little details, it's been pretty cool. Since all of Madrid is pretty much closed on Monday...

Todd:
Yeah, sorry about that, too. I guess you also had a window open on your computer where you were accessing the national Spanish calendar system or something. I don't know, maybe Hermann was using your computer for hacking or something (you can't trust that guy), but I saw that window open and tried to close it, but I think I accidentally hit the hot key for "make Monday a national holiday". Sorry about that. If I knew how to open the window again, I'd change it. Man, the Internet sure makes things more convenient, but sometimes too convenient, if you know what I mean.

Beeman:
... I met a girl who is dying for me to meet her Brazilian model girlfriend. Life on the road is tough.

Todd:
I don't know who you're trying to make jealous over here, because we all have girlfriends. Single loser!

Beeman:
... Also, I'm doing way better with Spanish here than I expected! I think it's because more people here speak slowly and precisely, whereas in Mexico they use more slang and skip a lot of syllables.

Todd:
Actually, I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but in Mexico, they speak backwards. That's why they're so hard to understand. They actually live backwards, too. They're "born" by rising out of a grave, very old and wrinkled, and they "die" by inserting themselves into a woman's vagina when they're very small. Yeah, don't try that at home, eh?

Beeman, Portland isn't the same without you. I think today's Oregonian captures it best: "Portland Rockets to #1 in Livability Survey. Metro Air 'Just Seems Cleaner', Say Meteorologists.

Well, anyways, things are different here. So do you like it over there in Spain? I mean, do you really like it? Do you think you'd consider living there? I hear rent is pretty cheap over there. And there are lots of young single women, too, huh? Yeah, I think Spain is pretty cool. Much better than Portland. I'm just sayin'.

Bueno, espero que tu tengas buen viaje, y que conozcas a muchas chicas bellas. Escribe todo que pasa así que lo acordarás. Toma fotos buenas, y muchos consejos similares. Nunca besa a una mujer con una barba - ella no es una mujer, ¡es tu compañero de cuarto del albergue! Si hay un búfalo que te habla en inglés, significa que estás cerca de una biblioteca. ¡Qué buen negocio! ¡Una ganga verdadera! No sé que estoy diciendo. Ayúdame.

Love, Todd

As you can see, Beeman and I are great friends. Great clever friends. Don't you wish you had friends like this?