dear mom, please support my company

By Todd Stadler · Thursday, May 17, 2001 12:09am

Gads, this is pitiful. The following appeared in a rah-rah article on Intel's intranet today, telling us that everything is going to be okay, we will come out of this slow economic time better than before, etc., etc.

Why should your colleagues, family and friends buy a computer system based on the Intel Pentium 4 processor? Because it will provide you with:

Fast digital music, allowing you to quickly create MP3s and sync up files between your PC and audio devices. A Pentium 4 processor-based PC offers an amazing digital music experience.

Intense 3D gaming, feeding your need for speed and performance with immersive 3D gaming experiences.

Powerful video, connecting the Pentium 4 processor to your home entertainment center makes it fast and easy to view, create, edit, and share your home movies.

Advanced technology, thanks largely to the all-new Intel® NetBurst micro-architecture.

Well, thank goodness! I now know that Intel, whose processers I helped make, or at least keep from being a bug-ridden fiasco, makes really swell processor!

What, are we firing the marketing and sales departments that we need to mobilize every Intel employee to advertise to his friends and family? Or is Intel converting into a full-on cult, with proselytizing and everything? After all, we already have a holy trinity of sorts.

My favorite selling point above, though, is "advanced technology". The other three points really didn't make this obvious enough, I suppose. Oh, fine, you might not care about MP3s or video games or watching movies, but, uh, this is ... well, it's newer! And better! So you should buy it.

And as an engineer, I'd like to voice my distaste for the name NetBurst. What a stupid name. It's a new micro-architecture. Anyone who understands that word should be smart enough to not be taken in by a name like NetBurst™. Ah, marketing. Whoops, I didn't say that.

Oh great, now they're going to fire me.