salsa - the forbidden condiment!

By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, June 27, 2001 11:58pm

Today's lesson is about salsa. The first part of the lesson is that "salsa" is just Spanish for "sauce". Accordingly, ignore any distinctions certain large-britched companies artificially create between salsas and picantes sauces. They are the same, at least to me.

("Hot sauces", though, tend to refer to those products in smaller bottles like Tabasco, Busha Browne's Pukka Sauce, and Sontava, or so say I.)

The problem with most salsas (and hot sauces, for that matter), is that they try to get you to buy them based on gimmickry, not taste. Accordingly, they advertise how crazy hot they are, when in reality, they're not all that hot to us chileheads.

If you're looking for a tasty salsa, then, and one with a decent amount of heat in its "hot" form, there is only one company whose products I can recommend, at least out here in the Tex-Mex desert that is Oregon.

That company would be Mrs. Renfro's. Their habañero salsa and salsa verde (not your usual salsa verde in that it's almost all jalapeños, not tomatillos) are both tasty and hot. And I should know, right? I'm from Texas! But maybe you can't find Mrs. Renfro's in your grocery store. What then should you do? Suicide is not, repeat not an option. Nor is wetting yourself. Listen, I can't hold your hand through the whole process, but I have some suggestions on how to buy a decent salsa. Avoid the following:

• Label makes claims of being "low fat". All salsas are low fat, but clearly these people are trying to appeal to health consciousness. Avoid!
• Label has the color pink on it.
• Is made by Heinz, comes in squeeze bottle (this is actually ketchup).
• Product refers to itself as "hot sauce", not "salsa".
• Salsa is made outside of southwest United States or Mexico. The best salsas I've had are usually from Texas (bias), but I give credit to its neighboring states, and begrudgingly, California. Still, if it's from New England, throw it away and just go suck on a ketchup bottle.
• Label makes references to crystals or other new age phenomena.
• Salsa comes in fancy jar. Any salsa worth eating comes in the same mason jar you've come to know and love. If they have their own proprietary shape, they're obviously too rich and getting too big for their britches. That means their product appeals to a wide market, which means it's watered down.
• Contains any of the following in the ingredients list: carrots, corn, peaches, mango, molasses, kale, endives, celery, parsnip, and so on.

Now you know everything I do. Good luck.