i fought the qwest, and it was a tie

By Todd Stadler · Tuesday, September 25, 2001 5:59pm

I'd like to say that my lack of words in the past two weeks was due to my taking a step back and ruminating thoughtfully on the present situation in America.

It wasn't. Here is the singular thought I was focused on instead: Qwest bites.

All I did was move to a new house. I asked them to simply make sure that my DSL service followed me there. It's amazing how so few words could embody a task that would apparently tax even mighty Hercules.

First off, Qwest could learn about this thing called "transparency". As in, I don't want to know what your company does to make it work, just do it. So if you have to disconnect my old line and reconnect a completely new line, that's fine, but don't tell me that you've "cancelled" my service and given me a new one.

Or, more to the point, don't tell my ISP that you've cancelled my service. Because then they'll e-mail me asking why I am cancelling my service. And then I'll get upset, because I didn't think I was.

But the real problem I had was being unfortunate enough to move to a house with a different kind of wiring than the old one. Apparently, that matters.

And the reason that matters is that the type of wiring is hard-wired into my DSL modem. Which means that my perfectly functional modem is now a perfectly functional paperweight. It might have been tolerable to wait for a new modem had Qwest deemed it possible to simply exchange it with my old modem for free. Ha. Ha.

No, clearly it was my own dang fault for moving to a house with different wiring, so I was to pay for the new modem. "Fortunately", the new modem was available at a discount price, so I could pay less for my own fleecing. Super.

I complained to one of several faceless operators that I didn't have to buy a new phone every time I moved to a different house, so I shouldn't have to buy a new modem now, and besides, nobody had bothered to tell me I would have to buy a new modem until I had moved and found my DSL service unusable.

Several faceless operators all pointed out that it wouldn't do to discuss company policy with them, so I might as well suck it up and buy the discounted modem.

Memo to corporate leaders: do not instruct your minions to tell your patrons, who have just spent thirty minutes listening to the best of lite jazz, that it won't do to discuss corporate policy. Because your patrons will then switch to your competitors, and if they ever meet you or your minions, they will kick them in the shins.

Unfortunately, Qwest has no competitors in the DSL market because this isn't really capitalism, no matter what your economics teacher told you. Nonetheless, I told a Qwest executive who I managed to get on the phone that if I had a choice, I would pick any company besides Qwest.

She offered me a large chunk of credit. And I didn't even have to kick her.

A victory for the common man! And all it took was several hours of phone calls! I won't even mention the troubles I had actually getting the modem to work.