the play's the thing

By Todd Stadler · Monday, October 29, 2001 8:02pm

My girlfriend Julia is a chemistry grad student at a, um, major west coast university. As such, she gets to be a teacher's assistant in a lab course, teaching the younger generation about, you know, chemicals, and how to mix them and stuff.

But let me not bore you with technical mumbo-jumbo. Instead, let me enthrall you with several one-act plays that Julia has written. These are meant to evoke the spirit of intellectual ardor and academic dialogue that are freshman chem lab. They also bear a striking resemblance to real-life occurances.

Student: Is this the one milliliter volumetric pipet?
TA: What does it say on it?
Student: It says "one milliliter."
TA: So what do you think it must be?
Student: The one millimeter volumetric pipet?
TA: Yes.
Student: Are you sure?
TA: What does it say on it?
Student: It says "one milliliter."
TA: So it's the one millimeter volumetric pipet.
Student: Are you sure? It's small!
TA: Well, some dogs are small, but they're still dogs, right?
Student: Well, yes.
TA: So that's the one millimeter volumetric pipet. Because I said so.

[...]

Student: Julia, it says to use the "magnetic stir-bar." Is that this? {holding up something totally unlike the magnetic stir-bar}
TA: No, you used the stir-bar last week, remember? It's small and white and you put it in the flask to stir the reaction?
Student: We did?
TA: Yes, you used it to stir your reaction.
Student: {blank look}
TA: Let me look in your drawer. Here. This is the stir-bar.
Student: We used that last week?
TA: Yes. Don't you remember?
Student: No.

[...]

Student: Is my reaction boiling yet?
TA: Do you see bubbles?
Student: Like these bubbles here?
TA: Yes. When you heat the solution and bubbles form, that means it's boiling.
Student: Oh. So is it boiling?
TA: Yes. It's boiling.

Ah, the camaraderie of science! That open exchange of ideas that is the basis of the Western intellect. It makes me yearn for those heady days of yore.