ignoranium

By Todd Stadler · Monday, October 29, 2001 9:02pm

Speaking of people who could probably use a refresher course in chemistry, I am reminded of an ad I saw in the newspaper recently.

In it, the good folks at Swiss Water, tried to convince me that their coffee decaffeination process was "100% chemical free". A remarkable feat, that.

I imagined coffee beans suspended in a complete vacuum, their caffeine being removed by a team of scientists thinking happy thoughts, or perhaps by the mere presence of the great Juan Valdez himself.

But no. The process is rather pedestrian, involving soaking the beans in water and the use of carbon filters.

Mind you, none of those things involve chemicals, because chemicals are bad, see, and the people at Swiss Water bring you nothing but goodness.

That is why they named their company Swiss Water, after all, when their water in fact comes from Canada. Because Canadian Water doesn't sound so impressive. But we all know that everything Swiss is pure and untainted, such as their bank accounts and their World-War-II-era gold.

But I digress.

As if it weren't enough to try and convince us that carbon is not a chemical, the people at Swiss Water actually try to pass the phrase "flavor saturated water" by us as a legitimate technical term. As in, "Hey, Bob, you can't serve this water to those kids. Can't you see? It's saturated with flavor!" Indeed.

Is it a wonder the kids do so poorly in chemistry lab?