theme songs - a treatise

By Todd Stadler · Friday, November 9, 2001 7:28pm

I have recently come to appreciate the genius that is the theme song to Green Acres (RealAudio format).

For you see, the purpose of any good TV show theme song is to fill in the viewer on what is about to happen, and how it got to be there. Otherwise, the casual viewer might be lost amid the clever plot changes and subtle characterizations that define American television.

Indeed, one such successful theme song is that of Gilligan's Island, (.WAV format) which takes the form of an epic poem. In it, we learn of a "fearless crew" comprised of a "mighty sailing man" and a "brave and sure" skipper. Such descriptions certainly help the audience understand the tension that ensues between Gilligan and the Skipper in the next twenty-two minutes.

But ultimately, this is not a perfect theme song, as it clearly struggles to fill the necessary meter through needless repitition: "a three hour tour, a three hour tour" and "the Minnow would be lost, the Minnow would be lost".

In contrast, the Green Acres theme song is a model of lyric efficiency. It actually is a mini-opera, replete with its own exposition, conflict, and denouement.

The opening verse is a treatise by the husband on why he finds this rustic locale to be so attractive. Listen: "Green Acres is the place to be. Farm living is the life for me. Land spreading out so far and wide, keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside."

He has rejected the urban lifestyle in marked contrast to his American contemporaries. He therefore feels the need to justify this irrational behavior.

But simple iconoclasm does not make for interesting watching. Fortunately, the theme song continues on. His wife responds in the next verse that she is not pleased with her husband's decision. Listen: "New York is where I'd rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view. Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue."

She, like millions of people before her, has found the siren call of Gotham to be irresistable. She also has health concerns. Thus, she presents her husband with an ultimatum. Though she loves him, she rejects his simple lifestyle.

That would be enough for most theme songs, but the next verse is the real gem. In it, we see a rapid stichomythic dialogue between the husband and wife. This stacatto exchange serves to intensify the debate, causing the viewer to truly fear for the marriage.

"The chores!" he says. "The stores!" she counters. But he is not easily cowed. "Fresh air," he points out, is another plus. And yet, the wife carries on, "Times Square" is also nice.

The banter has reached such a fevered pitch that it seems impossible to resolve. The viewer is led to believe that Green Acres must be a show about the divorce that surely must ensue.

But no. For the song is not yet over. The husband, aware of the tension in his relationship, makes an appeal to the traditional patriarchal values of his society. "You are my wife," he says to her.

And though his description of the rustic life did not sway her, she is moved by this and retreats to submission. "Goodbye, city life," she pines. His arguing has finally won her over. The marriage is saved, and surely good-natured sitcom humor will follow.

It is this sudden, cathartic denouement that brings such overwhelming relief to the viewer that he cannot help but be moved. He is left free to enjoy the wacky antics of the people of Hooterville, including one beloved Arnold the Pig, cleansed of the foregoing tension.

Indeed, even in the typing of these lyrics, this author is more than a little bit touched by such a family-positive message.

In summary, the Green Acres theme song is the best television theme song ever. Too bad the show stunk.