partially defatted fatty tissue, part 2
By Todd Stadler · Monday, December 17, 2001 2:54am
The other spam e-mail I got invited me to "Have A Ball Watching Squirrels Try To Outwit This Birdfeeder". By "This Birdfeeder", they mean this bird feeder.
You know how it goes - you want to feed the birds, but you do not want to feed the squirrels.
Why this is true is not the point. Perhaps you were abducted by squirrels when you were a wee child. Perhaps you resent that squirrels routinely appear in dull shades of gray and brown, while your feathered friends at least have the courtesy to show a flash of red now and then. Or maybe you loathe the squirrel for the same reason you loathe yourself - yet another stupid mammal that can't fly.
Whatever your particular hang-up is, you can be sure it will find satisfaction with this amazing invention. The way it works is simple! Actually, let's let the web site author speak for himself:
"The way it works is simple! When the squirrel slides down to invade this feeder it can't help putting it's weight on the lightly spring loaded top, causing it to close tight! The feeder then becomes a 6" ball making it too large for the squirrel to chew on!"
If you've ever seen a squirrel, you'll know that that's no lie - six inches is larger than most squirrels can fit in their mouth for geometric reasons. If you know squirrels for whom this is not a problem, you have bigger problems. But I digress.
Tell me, friend, have you ever seen a thwarted squirrel?
I can hear you asking, "But Todd, what if the squirrels become more clever (as they always do and I hate them for it as I remain no more clever than when I was ten) and realize that this spring-loaded acrylic ball can be used as a weapon against the birds, effectively turning it into some sort of bird guillotine in which the squirrel plays the executioner to the birds' Charles Darnay?"
That is a very long and literate question, but the reply is neither: "THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!!!!"
If those exclamation points are not enough proof, consider this film noir tale of a squirrel who is surprised to not eat bird food and the bird who is not beheaded in the process. Even lofty science is not built on such solid evidence!
I urge you, friends, to purchase this most wonderful gift for all your friends this Christmas. I know I will be buying them for those I love. I assure you, however, that I personally do not profit from sales of the "Squirrel's Surprise".
Of course, if your friends are like mine, they will not be happy with simply surprising squirrels who are unable to decapitate birds.
No, they will want to spy on the birds, learning the intimate details of their lives. In their extreme envy of those creatures gifted with flight, they will want to eavesdrop on every avian syllable in the hopes of discovering what it is the birds know that we humans do not.
For these special friends, may I recommend some other fine products?