bad news bear
By Todd Stadler · Thursday, January 31, 2002 6:09pm
Is there something wrong with me that I don't understand Parade magazine? Or more to the point, that I don't understand its advertisements?
After all, we're dealing with a national magazine whose circulation is so high that it can charge $735,000 for a full-page, four-color advertisement. Never mind that for all that, I often have trouble distinguishing it from the Thriftway flyer when the Sunday paper comes.
But for that kind of money, I expect advertisements approaching Super Bowl quality. Instead I get teddy bears in full military dress.
And mind-boggling ad copy. "There's just something about a bear in uniform that's hard to resist," trumpet the people at The Hamilton Collection.
I have a hard time believing that this factoid has been verified in any way. If my reaction to this ad is any indication, statuettes of uniformed bears are eminently avoidable. I can only assume that I would similarly avoid their real-life furry counterparts. Especially if one were wielding a sword.
But such thoughts don't stop these creators of fine military teddy bear statues. "Standing tall," they continue, "... he's ready to defend honor and freedom."
Isn't that a tall order for a teddy bear? What happened to defending cuddliness? Or a good night's sleep?
But no, this teddy bear isn't about snuggling - he's armed to the teeth. Or the button nose. I guess I'm not too clear on Staff Sergeant Bruin's anatomy.
Still, I worry about the messages this statuette sends.
Are we setting a dangerous precedent by combining children's playthings with the implicit violence of the military? Until now, kid's toys were made to give children a sense of peace with the world. Paddington Bear never lobbed a grenade at someone just because he was from a different country.
Will this start a trend of militarizing toys, creating a wave of mass murderers as today's children grow up?
More importantly, what message does this send to the enemies of America in these troubled times?
When Osama bin Laden picks up his copy of Parade magazine at the library, will he laugh maniacally at the weakness of our military forces? Will Vicente Fox take this as a sign that our Marines are soft and easily dismembered, and that therefore now is the time to invade Arizona and take back the Gadsden Purchase?
Fortunately, these questions do not linger long in my mind. Eventually, I find myself reading Ask Marilyn. And I have bigger questions to ask her. Like which of Bill Hoest's cartoon creations was the funniest - The Lockhorns, Howard Huge, or What a Guy!?
