bearicose

By Todd Stadler · Thursday, January 31, 2002 7:09pm

Speaking of bears wielding weapons, I have always wanted to own my own home so that I could create this mural I have been working on in my mind for a while.

It was inspired by the Battle of Five Armies found in Tolkien's The Hobbit, and visual depictions thereof.

My mural will be called The Battle of Five Bear Armies. Instead of nasty old orcs and dwarves, it will feature groups of teddy bears, gummi bears (no, not the crummy cartoon), Teddy Grahams, Berenstain Bears, and Care Bears, hacking each other limb from limb.

It just makes sense to me. Can't you just see it? Teddy bears, stuffing hanging out of their tummies and eyes dangling from threads, easily plucking the arms off of the gummi bears.

And at the rear of the gummi bear army, nursi bears would be licking the severed limbs and sticking them back on to the soldiers.

Meanwhile, Papa Berenstain would be taking an axe to the Teddy Grahams, easily hacking through them and causing tasty crumbs to fly through the air and cover the ground.

And the Care Bears, long ago jaded because it seemed no one bothered to care about them since the 80's, would unleash a newer, far more deadly, Care Bear Stare, which, instead of sending beams of good will, would unleash a huge swarm of bees. Or something.

Clearly, an epic battle for the ages, worthy of an epic mural. It beats the pants off a collection of Hummel figurines, I'll tell you that much.

I can't wait until I have my own house so I can start working on it.