the phone solicitor

By Todd Stadler · Monday, June 10, 2002 9:20am

I have this theory that anyone who calls my house wants to talk to me, or else they wouldn't be calling. So when phone solicitors call to yak at me, I try to act as goofy with them as I would with my friends.

Okay, I actually tell them once that I'm not interested, but they're programmed to ignore that statement at least once, which I find rude. So they follow their script, and I follow mine.

DTV: Hello is Beeman Strong there?

Me: No.

DTV: Well, is someone there who can make a decision about his DirectTV service, then?

{Note: we have never had DirectTV at our current house, where we have lived for over six months, so I feel reasonably certain I can have fun with the conversation at this point.}

Me:Yeah, that's me. Not interested.

DTV:Oh, well I was calling to ask why he had chosen to disconnect it.

Me:Oh, um ... I think he was disappointed with the quality of American television in general.

DTV:Sir?

Me:It's all kind of moronic. He was looking for something more ... fulfilling ... intellectually.

DTV:Well, sir, did you try Lifetime?

Me:Oh ... that's kind of "girly", see?

DTV:Hmm.

Me:I think I'd really like to see a sort of "all Upstairs Downstairs, all the time" channel, you know?

DTV:Oh! Have you heard of Cinemax?

Me:Yeaaaah ... But around here, we call it something else ...

DTV:You mean "Skinemax"?

Me:Yeah. And I don't really appreciate that sort of stuff. It's not so ... literary ... if you know what I mean.

DTV:Uh, sir, you can go ahead and be blunt with me. Are you saying you don't like nudity?

Me:Oh, don't get me wrong. I appreciate nudity in the proper context and all, but I think there's enough boobies going around as it is. I was looking for something more ... mentally stimulating.

DTV:Um, do you mean more physically stimulating?

Me:No, I mean mentally, as in not physically, stimulating.

DTV:Oh, because I wasn't sure what you meant by...

Me:You know what I'd really like to see? A channel where they just show "War and Peace".

DTV:Um...

Me:Word for word. You could even just show the pages, slowly scrolling by ... {I start to giggle here}

DTV:{Has been trying to stifle odd giggles for the past several seconds and sounds relieved to find I was kidding} Well, thanks sir. I ... I needed that. It's been a rough day today.

Me:Okay, but we're still not interested in anything.

DTV:Okay, goodbye.

As you may have guessed, I'm the only person around here who gets excited when phone solicitors call.