the barbituate of the masses

By Todd Stadler · Friday, July 26, 2002 3:42am

But when life gets you down, there's always TV to take your mind off things!

If you have the time, may I recommend PAX's breakout show, Supermarket Sweep?

What better way is there to restore confidence in a market shaken by infectious greed than by celebrating that most American of pastimes - stacking as many hams and gallons of olive oil in your shopping cart as quickly as possible?

And the show's web site also has a really helpful shopping list that I use when I go out to the grocery store. Don't forget the frozen beans and prepared salads! I just want to know why there's no checkboxes for "obscenely large quantities of hams and cheeses".

Of course, if maniacal consumerism isn't your cup of tea and you don't enjoy ogling haggled suburban housewives in sweatshirts, there's always congenial host David "Help my career is over" Ruprecht to put a scripted laugh into your life. You probably remember David as the radio voice in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan or as Thurston Howell IV in "The Harlem Globe Trotters on Gilligan's Island".

But for those who find it difficult to squeeze in an entire 22 minutes of blatant product advertising plus commercials, you can always read TV on the Internet!

Like, for instance, this article I found at CNN.com (motto: "where two of the three initials are increasingly incorrect") in which two minds discuss the relevance of Britney Spears et al.

Thrill to the hard-hitting analysis!

TOURE: Like last night, right, we're sitting there thinking, how can we say Britney is over? That "Slave For You" piece came on from MTV last year with the snake.

NEVILLE: That's hot.

Marvel at the deft social commentary!

NEVILLE: Pink, that's my girl.

TOURE: Because she's black, right?

NEVILLE: I think Pink is...

TOURE: She is one of those white girls who is kind of black. I think so.

And discover the secret behind Justin Timberlake's success!

NEVILLE: He's from 'N Sync.

TOURE: Just to be clear, he's from Memphis, Tennessee. He has got that soul in him. He's been eating ribs all his life. He talks about his grandmother's peach cobbler that he loves.

You can even learn about the Next Big Thing you can't help but love. It's a lovable scamp who, according to "Toure" ... well, let's let him say it in his own words:

TOURE: This guy is from Atlanta. He made a reported 36 songs on $10,000 of equipment in his bedroom. It's total low-fi.

Which may be six times as much per song as Nirvana spent on their debut album, but hey. "Low-fi" is subject to inflation, too, I suppose.

But I don't want to end this article on a down note, so I join "Toure" and Arthel Neville in saying

NEVILLE: I say, go, Janet.

TOURE: How about go, Justin?

Thank you, good night.