party hardy

By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, December 18, 2002 2:36am

What's that? You have no plans for New Year's? Well then, you're invited to our party.

Or at least to read our invitation:

Hi, I'm Todd Stadler. You may remember me from such parties as Halloween 2001: Get Your Fright On and St. Patrick's Day 2002: McDrinky's Revenge. I'm here to tell you about an important opportunity. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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Friends, are you down? Depressed, low, crappy, crummy, sad, bummed, or just not feeling your dopest? Do people think you're a dweeb, dork, nerd, loser, spazz, jerk, freak, geek, or just aren't that def? Look, nothing's going to change all that, so why not try Alcohol?!

Yes, Alcohol?, the new wonder drink, developed by scientists in top-secret national labs in an attempt to discover the meaning of life! Let's see what one of those scientists has to say about his wonderful invention: "I no longer care about the meaning of life." Folks, it doesn't get any better than this!

But wait, there's more! If you act now and order alcohol, we'll also send you, at no extra charge, the ability to easily and cleverly converse with the preferred sex! And that's not all! We'll also include increased dance skill. Friends, this is a once-in-a-weekend opportunity!

E-mail operators are standing by.

Hi, Todd again. As many of you know, there is a severe shortage of partying in our land. Weekend after weekend, young people go without even so much as bowl of cheese dip and an early 80s tune. But it gets worse.

I have seen college educated people on the streets begging for someone to do a shot with them. I have even seen them roving from office Christmas party to office Christmas party in an attempt to somehow fend off the gnawing emptiness they feel inside.

Friends, we can't let this happen! We have to think of the children!

But there is something we can do. We can show the people of Portland there is hope. For the price of attendance in your funkiest clothes, plus maybe your favorite alcohol, you can prevent the people of this city from going party-hungry.

This New Year's Eve, party for the people. You'll be glad you did.

Who: You and yours and us and them
Where: The Pribush
When: December 31, 2002 9pm until it hurts
What: Rage, rage against the dying of the year
What else: Bring some alcohol for good luck