labelling your problems
By Todd Stadler · Sunday, April 6, 2003 3:22am
I recently saw that Heinz had a contest to change the text on their stalwort ketchup bottle label, and while I'm clearly late to the game, I'd like to offer my submissions anyhow:
- Hey, Gen-Xers! Ketchup is now ironically cool! Awesome!
- Tabasco for the truly sensitive
- Blood-ish substance for your cheap slasher movie production
- Hey, you weren't gonna eat gourmet anyhow, right?
- Ketchup. And why not?
- Only freaks spell it "catsup"
- Salsa for the dispassionate
- A mediocre condiment for a mediocre punchline
- Somehow worse than just tomato sauce
- Many have mustered the ability to relish this
- Turns a regular hamburger into a ketchupburger!
- The American cheese or white bread of condiments
- Try it on fruits! (Hey, tomatoes are fruits)
- Served by America's top bacon cheeseburger chefs
- It's still here; try some!
- With a name like Heinz, it's gotta be ketchup!
- In spite of the label, contains no pickles
- Forgive us, this also comes in pink
Full disclosure: gads, I hate ketchup. I eventually came around on mustard, at least the good stuff, but I don't think there's even such a thing as gourmet ketchup (and please don't lie to me about "fancy ketchup"). Ack. I don't want to think about it any more ...
3 comments so far
1 Apr 11 '03 3:11pm:
Mike Riley replied:
"What a sad time we live in. Someone's parents obviously didn't do their job well here as regards ketchup. 1) Ketchup is not a condiment; as pointed out by the Reagan Administration, it's a food. In, say ketchup and fries, the fries are the condiment. 2) Does mustard have a latin girl group named after it? I think not. 3) Even if ketchup weren't the culinary delight that it is, it would deserve a place in America's kitchen and dining rooms alongside the banana for comic relief. What other food delights with endless knife-jabbing, bottle-shaking, bottle-bottom-whacking, splootch-in-the-face comedy? 4) Of course "fancy" or "gourmet" ketchup is absurd ... ketchup is in and of itself the acme of epicurean nuance.
My only regret is that they no longer have clear table bottles of ketchup in cafes throughout the USA. I used to love the sedimentary dating process available through observation of the layers of re-charged ketchup visible in the bottom of the bottle. Squeezable opaque red plastic bottles have made modern restaurant ketchup nothing but a tawdry echo of its onetime glory.
Salsa and Tabasco Sauce are just ketchup for those who are uncomfortable with their feminine side.
So there."
2 Apr 30 '03 2:49pm:
Nathan Beach replied:
"I really don't enjoy ketchup either. Though the second I thought that it made me sad/happy for when my dad would make hamburger patties and we would eat them with ketchup (no hamburger bun) with green beans on the side. In my old age, I've started eating everything with a varying mixture of parts mustard, mayonnaise, and tobasco; depending on what's available to mix to-gether.
Now you know."
3 Mar 20 '04 1:45pm:
jon harrison replied:
"could you please send me some info on tabasco sauce"