A night with Gerry, part III: trading cards

By Todd Stadler · Sunday, January 21, 2001 3:41am

What was more exciting to me was the discovery of Boy Crazy! trading cards. I can't express to you my joy at seeing this product, whose tagline is "Real boys. For real girls." Clearly pandering to the whole boy band crowd. I can't do the cards enough justice, so I will quote from the packaging:

"Boy Crazy! is a new trading card series designed just for girls [thankfully, the 7-11 clerk didn't card me at the counter, so we skirted this rule]. The set includes 363 randomly-assorted cards featuring photos and profiles of real boys from around the country. Get to know the boys as you collect, trade and play a simple matchmaking game with your friends! Vote for your favorite Boy Crazy! boys at boycrazy.com".

Wowee! Trading boys like a commodity is a real step forward for gender relations, I tell you what! And they're real boys, not those crummy makeup-wearing prancing goofball celebrities that you girls clearly lust after. Since when has reality been a selling point for teen lust? Oh well. I can't claim to understand the juvenile female mind. Come to think of it, any female mind is pretty much beyond my comprehension.

But the cards are a hoot, if only in that subtle "I'm hopped up on sugar from 7-11 treats" way. They have the usual mundanities such as astrological sign, date of birth, eye color, and height. No weight, though. And since you only get head shots, I find that odd. You also get a list of each boy's four favorite somethings - drink, sport, place, music, food, song, book, color, actor, animal, etc. I never thought of it until I saw the answers, but favorite animal is a weird question to ask. The responses from my set of nine boys included cheetah (twice), monkey, and a pig. I'd dare say those last two responses aren't really the kind of thing to turn a girl on. A pig? I mean, it seems obvious that you should answer with some cool animal, like a cheetah, wolf, bear, lion, or somesuch. Barring that, you could go the cute route, such as a pet animal, or something that labels you as sensitive like a koala. But a monkey? I started thinking about other animals, and it just occurred to me that there are far too many wrong answers to this question. Gerry mentioned the mudskipper and sheep as two possible wrong answers. I don't know, maybe I just don't have strong enough feelings about animals to understand the complexities of these boys' psyches. Maybe these cards are stupid.

In support of the latter, I present the following Boy Crazy! quotes and my analysis thereof:

From Peter (England): "His favorite actor is Al Pacino who he says is the best in the world." Would Al be his favorite for any other reason? Maybe he simply thinks Al is as cute as a bug, and acting is just another reason to love him, but that doesn't seem to be the kind of thing that would make Peter "cool, inside and out" as we are promised he is. "Buckle up for an evening with this guy - he wants to rent a chopper and take his date to the top of the Empire State Building." Buckle up, indeed, as Mr. Flashy attempts to land his chopper on an antenna, since the Empire State Building has no helipad! Can't he just take the elevator like everyone else? Does he really have that much money to pay for all of this? Maybe that's why all the girls love him, even if he is full of it.

From Adam (Georgia): "Adam likes to tell it like it is, except when it comes to meeting girls. He says he prefers to listen to them do all the talking." Now, admittedly, I'm not one to be giving advice on women, but while it seems to me most women want a man who will listen to them, I think Adam has gone too far. He'll put you in your place and tell you to clean the kitchen, except when he's initially courting you, when he will maintain an eerie silence, preferring to stuff his face with food rather than acknowledge your presence. And he's still available, ladies!

From Billy (Texas): Billy is a personal fave of mine, 21 years old and wearing his ever-so-sexy Ratty Frat Boy Baseball Cap. "Billy has big plans for a perfect date: first, he'd buy his date a dress and pay for her to get her hair and nails done. Then he'd have a limo waiting to take them to dinner and a drive around town. Plus, it looks like Billy will actually be able to follow through on his dream date some day because he plans to become a doctor!" Sadly, ladies, the rest of the gents in this deck are all doomed to be clerks at 7-11, ironically pushing newer decks of BoyCrazy! cards on unsuspecting young ladies, and wistfully thinking of their dashed plans for a dream date. But what is this guy thinking, really? Does he expect his dream girl to show up in ratty clothes, hair all unkempt and nails all chipped? Did he not think she might get a wee bit gussied up beforehand? No no no: "hey babe, let's get you out of those rags you call an evening gown and get you a real dress. Maybe something strapless, heh heh." Charming. That's love.

From Trevor (Utah): Another white Friends-watching frat boy in a baseball cap who wants to be a doctor. Oh, but this one's a live wire girls - he has a piercing! "This college student claims he is shy and modest [always a good thing to boast about], but his idea of a dream date is bold and exotic - he would like to take his date to Italy to sample his favorite good - pizza." Oh my. Trevor may be in for disappointment here. "Hey, where's the tomato sauce? Where's the 'eye-talian' sausage? What do you mean you don't have pepperoni? Look, it took us twelve hours to fly here, and I've got to get us back on the plane by...crap, we just missed the flight back to Detroit! Your dad's gonna kill me!"

Matt from Washingon chimes in to let us know he likes to go "antiquing". All questionable neologisms aside, I find that an odd pastime for a teenage boy. Also, "a fun date with Matt would include a moonlit dinner on the beach". I know it incorporates several romantic elements, but I picture this not going as well as one would hope. "Matt, there's sand in my pinot noir, and a sand crab in my evening gown."

Then there's Danny from Virginia. Poor Danny. His favorite subject is math. His favorite book, Oliver Twist. And he's been trained in tap, jazz, and ballet, aspiring to be a professional performer. But wait, there's more: "he talks on the phone - a lot!" Danny is clearly included in this deck for some sense of diversity, not only being black but possessing talent and a brain, but he's just not made to be a chick magnet. Doomed to living a fulfilling life completely devoid of shallow relationships and meaningless sex, he'll likely commit suicide by age 25.

And for those wondering what they can do to draw in the boys, the following are the responses to "ideal traits in a girl":

• Attractiveness of some sort (9) (pretty face (2), nice smile (3), beauty (2), good looks, nice physique)
• Sense of Humor (4)
• Intelligence (4)
• Style (2)
• Playfulness (2)
• Confidence (1)
• Independence (1)
• Kindness (1)
• Energetic (1)
• Fun Personality (1)
• Self Confidence (1)

Of course, most of these are just lies to get the girl in bed, as long as she's attractive. But as long as she doesn't have self confidence (as poor poor Danny wished for), then this is okay.