the jetsam of my life

By Todd Stadler · Thursday, May 1, 2003 3:18am

Only marginally less boring than my last entry are the two sparse pages of notes I took one night on a particularly determined trip to Safeway.

While the notes in red ink would imply that my main goal was to purchase "Soap gel, Milk, Pnt Btr" (secret shopper code for either a pint of bitter or peanut butter) and "Bananas", the contents of the rest of the page make clear that I was hellbent on observing modern packaging design, Andy-Rooney-style.

And because the pervasiveness of blogs now allows one to divulge the most mundane and personal thoughts without guilt, much less justification, I now present to you Observations from a Safeway at Midnight:

First, I think nothing else convinces me of the great leaps we have made as a species so much as the labels on beer bottles.

Consider the fact that Pabst's erstwhile beer won a blue ribbon at some point in the not-too-distant past. A blue ribbon! Today, the tastes of urban hipsters notwithstanding, it wouldn't merit an honorable mention (and I imagine a beer named Pabst's Honorable Mention would be even more attractive to the Irony Set).

Labels on other beers similarly make lofty claims or tell of accolades of yore that are only made less ludicrous by the belief that either in the 1800s bribery was cheap or they are simply making this up and no one can call them on it.

• Heineken boasts of winning the "Diplome D'Honneur Amsterdam 1883", "Hors Concours Membre Du Jury Paris 1900", "Medaille D'Or Paris 1875", and "Grand Prix Paris 1889". As if a beer could drive.
• Beck's tells us of awards from "Bremen 1874" and "Philadelphia 1876 awarded by the U.S. Centennial Commission."
• Steinlager twice won the "Monde Selection, Brusselles" and was deemed "World's Best Lager, Bremen 1985-1987". Maybe they meant "world's best Steinlager"?
• Budweiser's can alerts anyone not yet drunk enough that its makers "know of no brand produced by any other brewer which costs so much to brew and age", while not having been sued back into the Stone Age for false advertising. Why not also claim that Bud's been known to increase one's sexual stamina by 100%?

Of course, it's not just the beers that strut their honors and awards before consumers, hoping they will overshadow such qualities as taste. Coffee Mate won the 2001 Gold Taste Award from the American Tasting Institute, whoever they are.

I assume that was in the category for Truly Unnatural Nontraditional Product Used By People Who Don't Much Care About Coffee.

So why was I so intent on recording the ribbons, medals, and so forth touted by supermarket products?

I went in remembering (possibly falsely so) that when I was a child, every product seemed to brandish some award or other.

Product packaging was full of all sorts of mysterious language and symbolism back then, from the strange words found in ingredient lists to the copy on a bottle of Worcestershire sauce that claimed it was from a recipe "from a gentleman in the country". Or something like that.

Sadly, I didn't find an overwhelming amount of these awards, except what I've already told you about.

Disappointed, but easily distracted, I wandered over to the pets aisle.

I don't own a pet, so it's possible I just don't "get it", but I have to wonder about pet owners after seeing what they're being sold.

• Along the lines of products that boast of their own awards, there is Kong, the curiously article-lacking, um, thing that claims to be the world's best dog toy since 1976. Kong's Web site features important questions like "What can I use to stuff my bird's Kong?" that don't seem like they would be so frequently asked, as well as information on related products like the "large dental Kong" and "bird Kong with fun clip".
• I think I'd be hard pressed to distinguish between some of the items found in the pet toy section and those I imagine are found in a store of a more prurient nature. I just wanted to say that.
• Hartz markets a series of toys under the trademark Mad Maddogs. Who thought that was a good idea? One imagines the suggested names that were shot down like Rabid Psychodogs or Bat-Freaking-Insane BloodlustCujo. Anyhow, among my favorite in the Mad Maddogs line:
  • Hartz? Mad-Maddogs? E-Z Grab? Dog Toy: "Hey, Honey, the dog depicted in this toy has clearly lost his mind; let's get it for Rover! He won't care what it looks like!"
  • Hartz? Mad-Maddogs? Mr. and Ms. Dog Toy: Hartz tells us that "this lambswool toy is a soft and cuddly toy that cries out to be touched and brought home," whereupon it will be slobbered upon mercilessly until it is ripped into hundreds of tiny pieces, five minutes after you brought it home. I mean, did you think the dog cared about how cuddly it was?
  • Hartz? Mad-Maddogs? Big Time Fun? Dog Toy: Little dogs may play with toys that look like real objects, but when your big dog is ready for Big Time Fun?, he's ready for this toy that fails to remind one exactly of a red hamburger, and yet probably isn't a strawberry. Grow up and admit that your dog doesn't care what it looks like.
• Booda makes a toy apparently called "Velvet Bimples" that looks every bit as pleasing as it sounds. Thankfully, it comes in all the flavors your dog has been repeatedly asking you for: BBQ beef, cheeseburger, salmon, peanut butter and, yes Santa Fe chicken. Because your dog won't eat just any chicken flavor.
• But maybe I just don't understand dog tastes. Many "bones" come in flavors such as cheese or carrot. Carrot-flavored bones? For the vegetarian owner who'd rather pretend Fluffy doesn't want to eat the flesh of that which he has killed with his own teeth?
• I also had to shudder at Cesar's "Lamb in Meaty Juices Food for Dogs". Meaty juices?
• By far my favorite chew toy of all time is the "Daily Growl" chew toy, also by Hartz. Presumably, dogs will love this treat because they enjoy chewing on the real newspaper. Therefore, an extremely small rubber facsimile thereof that squeaks must be the next best thing! I also enjoy the rabidly stupid copy on this toy, such as "Editor: Man's Best Friend" and the weather report (wait for it): "Raining Cats and Dogs". Not exactly the doggie "New York Times".

At 12:11am, while wandering through the pet supplies aisle, Britney's "Oops, I Did it Again" came on over a previously dead PA system. I found myself momentarily confused, doing the Cabbage Patch near the Milk Bones.

Wandering over to the paper products aisle, I pondered the implications of the phrase "Lee Ann Womack, Country Music Star, Sparkle User", emblazoned on several packages of paper towels. I now know more about Ms. Womack's paper towel preferences than I do about her music. That has significance.

After some further wandering, I discovered that there is a QueenOfClean.com, and the titular highness is apparently fond of borax and products with a Z in the name.

At 12:22am, Britney's cover of the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" comes on. Rather than feel the urge to dance, I am made to ponder the decision to keep the original line about "I can't get no girly action," or so it sounded at the time. Subsequent Googling brings into question what it is that she says.

Finally, my journey into grocery didacticism ended in what must be called the strange meats aisle, which has always intrigued me because I never see anybody buy any of the products found there! And yet I feel drawn there, to study the products and their packaging. Why? Why?

• Pacific Friend smoked baby clams. While the phrase "smoked baby" somewhat gives me the willies, all is mollified by the brand name "Pacific Friend". I have a friend in the Pacific, and he found some clams for me. That's nice. I bet my friend's name is Jim.
• Reese Maurice precooked French helix snails. I find it telling that these are nowhere to be found on the Internet. They're just not for the modern fellow. As far as I can tell, they're for nobody. Surely, any true gourmand wouldn't stand anything precooked, and any non-gourmand wouldn't try to impress anybody by eating snails. Still, I like to imagine some guy preparing a nice meal at home for his date when suddenly he realizes ? he forgot the helix snails! He rushes off to Safeway, and thankfully, they have a couple of boxes. Phew! Yeah, I don't see it happening, either.
• Did you know that Hormel's pigs feet are "semi-boneless"? At least to the optimist, that is. The pessimist sees them as "semi-bony", or maybe "gross".
• I love King Oscar's "Tiny Tots Finest Norwegian sardines" (replete with picture of said tots dancing on the packaging). I like to imagine that the fish inside are actually the titular tiny tots. Dance! Dance! Or maybe I just wanted to type the phrase "titular tiny tots".
• Finally, there is possibly the bestest grocery store item of all, Libby's "Potted Meat Food Product", long a favorite of my friend Hermann (not for eating, of course). And he is not alone in his predilections. Indeed, who could not fail to drink in (figuratively, of course) the minimalist ? positively generic ? packaging, as well as an ingredient list sporting such entries as "partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue"? A miracle of the modern age and a metaphor of some sort, I'm sure. Wow.

Yes, there sure is a lot to learn in a grocery store. I'm sure someday I'll figure out what it is, if I can get myself to stop reading all those stupid labels.