The horror of research: a conversation

By Todd Stadler · Monday, January 22, 2001 5:59pm

I called up Gerry. "I'm scared," I said.

"Tell me what happened," he said, trying to sound calm. He knew something was up.

"You know how agents working undercover will sometimes become such a part of the underworld they're trying to penetrate that they begin to forget they're a cop, in essence becoming that which they're studying?" I asked. It was clear I was upset. I knew I wasn't making sense.

"Yeah, I know," he said, "People get too involved in their work, it consumes them." And he did know. Gerry had been there before, more than once. That's why I'd called him. He was the only one I could turn to.

"Well, it's like that. I ... I know this sounds crazy, but, well, you know the Hostess project I've been working on?"

"The one I've been helping you with? Yeah, of course ..." Gerry's voice trailed off. He hadn't expected this, not this soon.

"Well, I ... um, I heard them today. They called me ..."

"Them? Todd, what ..."

"Not really called, they were singing to me. I heard them. Like a chorus of angels, they were. It sounded like it was coming from the next cube. But when I got up to go find them, they were in the cube beyond that. Their voices kept moving until they led me to the snack machine."

"Todd, you're scaring me!" Gerry was losing it.

But I continued on with my harrowing tale. "There they were. They had this heavenly glow about them. And they kept singing the most beautiful song over and over. It had just two words: 'eat us'. I ... I couldn't help myself. Before I knew what was happening, I had slipped in the dollar, popped open the door, and ripped off the cellophane wrapping. There was chocolate all over the place. And cremey filling smeared all over my face. Gerry, it was horrible!" I broke down crying.

There was silence for a second. Choked with sobs, I continued, "Gerry, I know I was supposed to just be studying them. It was a clinical interest I swear ... at first. But I was drawn in. I had to know their nature. I began hearing, seeing ... things I couldn't explain. My rational scientific brain was at a loss. I ... had crossed over, Gerry."

Gerry paused. "Crossed over?"

"Yes. I understand now. All of it. It ... it's wonderful."

"What's it like, Todd?"

"Oh, Gerry, I wish I could fully describe it."