PoMo ho-ho's

By Todd Stadler · Saturday, March 12, 2005 2:55pm

I got my latest edition of Highlights for Postmodern Children today, and I'm sad to see that they've cancelled this niche spinoff of the childhood magazine due to low circulation.

But, as always, I turned first to the jokes section, and I thought I'd reproduce some of their gags here, seeing as people will no longer be able to enjoy them in printed form.

Tim: If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Jim: Pardon me?

Tim: If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Jim: I suppose it depends on where the bay is, but I've been down to San Francisco a few times, and I'm pretty sure I saw seagulls there, too. Maybe a few terns, plenty of pigeons ? although I'm sure they don't go out too far, since their wings are shorter than those of seagulls ... I don't know, I guess I'm not too knowledgeable about sea birds, really.

Tim: Baygulls!

Jim: Pardon?

Tim: Baygulls!

Jim: Are you changing the subject or is this one of those "surrealist" jokes where the punch line is always "fish", except you've changed it up and now it's "bagels"?

Tim: No no! Baygulls fly over the bay!

Jim: Look, it's not your diction that's causing me to not understand, so there's no need to overemphasize things. This isn't an anti-Semitic joke, is it? You know I hate anti-Semitic humor ? it demeans the Jews, and I don't like that.

Tim: I really can't believe that you're not getting this ? children as young as four can usually find the humor in this joke. Look, it's a simple analogy: "sea" is to "bay" as "seagull" is to "baygull", right? The joke is that there's no such bird as a "baygull", but it sounds like another English word, "bagel", a toroidal foodstuff that is actually incapable of flight, which leads to cognitive dissonance with the stated premise, thus eliciting humor.

Jim: Ah, I see.

And here's another gem.

Wilhelmina: Why was five afraid of six?

Billhelmina: Mm-hm.

Wilhelmina: Because six seven eight.

Billhelmina: Sounds good.

Wilhelmina: Get it?

Billhelmina: I hate your stupid humor.

Wilhelmina: Six seven eight! Ha!

Billhelmina: This is stupid. My name's not really Billhelmina, by the way. I took this job because I was told it was a serious acting part. This is demeaning. I hate postmodernism.

Finally, I was pleasantly surprised to see a few foreign-language jokes, including the one below. I really think that this vein could have been mined a lot more, but I guess now the comedic precious metal will remain in unhumorous ore form.

Alberto: ?Toc toc!

Malberto: ?Qui?n es?

Alberto: Bu.

Malberto: ?Bu qui?n?

Alberto: ?No llores!

Malberto: No estoy llorando.

For the record, I'm not really sure what postmodernism is, but from what I can tell, making heavy allusion to it while being ignorant of its basic premise seems somehow in keeping with its basic premise.

What can I say, I didn't sleep well last night.