Bad for the body, bad for the mind

By Todd Stadler · Sunday, January 28, 2001 9:32pm

So the Battleship Texáco party went well. The movie was laughably awful, but this was rather expected and, as such, enjoyable. Not only was there consumption of tasty tacos from a gas station (washed down by an "extreme" citrus beverage for that added "zing"), but we finally tasted the fatty goodness / technological marvel that are "sizzin'" microwave pork rinds.

These space age chunks of fat were purchased many months ago, but never eaten, because everyone who would appreciate them could not be gathered together. Until, that is, the acting power of John Travolta acted like a beacon, beckoning to all who enjoy bad things. I refer to them as "sizzin'" because that's what the package says they are. I assume it's a typo, but I also assumed microwave pork rinds weren't possible, so what do I know? How can pork fat not need refrigeration? How can it be simply microwaved and inflate to tasty proportions? And for the love of Pete, how can they be called "low fat"?! They're pork rinds - nothing but fat, no? Whatever. I may not have understood them, but I do know this - they're tasty.

At some point someone suggested a Battleship Earth drinking game. Every time there's a ridiculously poor screen wipe (worse even, than those in Star Wars), slow motion, unnecessary odd camera angles, or a Psychlo mind trick*, you drink. The problem with this game is that it would necessarily induce alcohol poisoning, likely well before the movie ended.

*A Psychlo mind trick is the amazingly clever bait-and-switch tactic exemplified by the following:

Fred: Promise me you won't do something bad.
Ted: Okay, I won't do something bad.
(It becomes apparent that something bad is going to happen)
Fred: I thought you said you wouldn't do something bad!
Ted: I won't do something bad - you will do it for me!
Fred: Oh no, I've been tricked!