Lessons of the evening

By Todd Stadler · Saturday, February 3, 2001 7:02pm

At least I learned some important lessons tonight, if not about the deleterious effects of capitalism.

For one, the only way to win at bowling is not to play. Wait, no, that's tic-tac-toe. The only way to win at bowling is to ooze pure style. You simply can't knock down enough pins to earn your way into cooldom. But if, say, you're an accomplished "speed bowler" - sending the ball down the lane before the pin apparatus is completely up in order to complete your ten frames in record time - welll, you just might make some ladies swoon.

Secondly, there is a fine art to karaoke, but it has nothing to do with singing. It's all about picking the right song for the occasion. You have to know the crowd, and you have to go after the right person. Will this crowd like Bon Jovi? Duran Duran? Or will they accept nothing less than Don McLean, the philistines?

It might not matter if you sing after a guy who is clearly some type of professional karaoke artist. Yes, I believe such an occupation exists. While I'm not clear on the details, I think they get paid to distract you momentarily from the fact that you have chosen for your night's entertainment to listen to people mangle songs you used to like.

I, for one, chose to mangle what is quite possibly my favorite song, Ben Folds Five's "Army". Let me tell you, just because you like a song doesn't make it a good karaoke tune, no matter how much the karaoke DJ likes it as well. Not only is it hard to bop about as is my wont with this tune, but, well, I felt so ... white.

Ah well, live and learn. Or don't. It's no skin off my back.