The problem with America

By Todd Stadler · Saturday, April 15, 2006 3:42pm

So. I think I have figured out what's wrong with America.

A lot of people think Americans are selfish and egotistical. Of course, a lot of those people are just jealous wussies, but that's their problem.

Still, the fact remains that there might be a problem with America. And the question therefore is: what is to be done about this problem?

Now I'm going to shift gears for a second, but just see me out here, because I will, in fact, blow your mind when I'm done.

You know how people say, "There is no 'I' in 'team'" and act like they're so smart because they know how to spell? Well, even if those people are pretty full of themselves, they still have a point: spelling is important, and teams should have more than one person on them.

Also, it helps to cooperate. Especially with other people.

And here's where I tie it all together: there is an "I" in "America". I don't mean myself. I mean, sure, I'm in America, but that's not my point.

The letter "I" does occur in the word "America". And that's a problem. Because when someone tells you Americans are selfish individuals, you'll want to say, "Listen here, El Señor Komrade, there is no 'I' in Ameri..." And then you'll pause for a second — just long for him to terrorize you or something. And then the non-Americans will have won.

But hang on — there's more! Not only is there an "I" in "America", there's also a "me"! (Again, not referring to myself.) Look closely: A-me-r-I-ca. It's there!

Who freakin' named this country? Well, the answer to that question may surprise you. It turns out it was one of them — again, I speak of non-Americans. Most notably of the Italian kind. (There are two I's in "Italian", by the way.)

Yes, my friends, it turns out that America was named by an Italian named — get this — Amerigo Vespucci.

"Hey," you might think, "That first name seems sort of familiar!" Well, it ought to, because it's the name of the best country in the world! (Yeah, you heard me, Chad! Stuff it, Luxembourg! I'm talking to you too, Laos!)

It turns out this so-called Amerigo fellow got a little cocky and decided to name some of the sweetest real estate ever known to mankind after himself. But he apparently changed the name a bit so that no one would follow his tracks. Well, my amigo, consider yourself busted.

And he didn't just name our country after himself — check out this guy's ego! — he named two whole freakin' continents after himself! That's right, he bemonikerred the landmasses known as North of the United States of America and South of the United States of America, or North America and South America for short.

But enough of the history lesson already, right?

Anyhow, here's my point: we should rename our country, just so the Italians (again, notice the inherently egotistical spelling of their nationality, right?) don't come over here one day and say, "This is ours. We named it. Give it."

And what better way to celebrate Americans' inherent all-for-one nature by calling our country Awerusa? I mean, sure, we already have the abbreviation USA, which should tell the foreign would-be selfishness-accusers to step off, but I think Awerusa really drives the point home.

We wouldn't have to emphasize "we" and "us" every time we spelled it, but it would help the slower countries figure it out (yes, I am looking at you, Belgium).

So how about it, Awerusa? Who's with me? (By the way, if you're not with me, you're against me, and might as well move to, like, Guam or whatever.)

Sweet.