Toilet trauma

By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, April 26, 2006 10:59am

Have you ever had one of those moments when you really, really have to pee, and you run into the bathroom, your mind rushing furiously to assess the situation before the "dam" "bursts" (let the reader understand)?

You know, one of those moments where, as the bathroom door slams open, with the urine clock ticking down, your mind runs through a little mental checklist ("Light on? Check. Reasonable proximity to toilet? Check. Belt uncinched? Check. Zipper down? Check. Check, check, check, already!") and, thus satisfied, cries out, "Let slip the dogs of micturition!" when, just at the last, unfortunate second, it realizes much to your horror, that you forgot to check if the toilet seat is up — and it's not?! And as the amber cascades all over the floor, you shake your fist at the ceiling and bellow, "What expurgation hath wrought!" ... you know, one of those moments?

Yeah, that's never happened to me, either.

But I think we should make fun of people it has happened to. Because hey, what's their problem? And why do they talk like that? Seriously!