Penny stock photography

By Todd Stadler · Saturday, August 5, 2006 10:38am

Well, nothing's happened in the ten minutes since I posted my last entry, so I guess it's time to make fun of stock photography.

Fig. A: the subject of my mockery

There I was, minding my own e-business (B2C, mind you), when I came across this stock photo of a businessperson's hands on a keyboard.

"Hey," I thought, "I'm not wearing a suit, but unless this photo is misleading, the people behind this Web site are, and that means I'm doing business with professionals. Not like those dirty hippie Web types that don't even tuck in their shirts!"

But then my keen observational powers kicked in, and I looked more closely at the photo. Something seemed a bit ... different ... about those hands.

"Hmm," I said to myself out loud, "the fingers aren't on home row!" And yet, my mind remained unsettled. "Look deeper," it said to me. "Okay," I said to it.

And that's when my mind showed me a vision ... a vision of how this stock photograph came to be.

Director of stock photography: Alright, people, we're here to shoot Hands on a Keyboard, so places, everyone.

Stock actor: Mr. Director, I was wondering what you had in mind for this one ...?

Director: Silence! Don't talk to me! You're just a stock actor — a nobody! Without me, you're just a pair of hands holding a bottle in a brown paper bag on a park bench. I'll give you a piece of my mind when I'm ready!

Actor: Okay then ... home row, it is. Let's see ... A ... S ... D ... F ... J ...

Director: What the ... ? What kind of stock photo do you think I'm shooting here? That's not typing — that's waiting! Your hands are just waiting there to begin typing! I want action! Danger! Romance! And you give me this sissified home row crap!

Actor: Hey now, I graduated cum laude from UCLA's School of Stock Acting, and ...

Director: Nobody! You are nobody without me!

Actor: Now you listen here, buster ... ! {the actor's hands begin to ball up in anger}

Director: {Cackling to himself} Good ... Good! Give in to your anger! Let the hate flow through you! {To the camera operator} Begin stock shooting.

Actor: {Begins pecking at the keyboard, slowly at first, but with increasing hostility. His thumbs curl up into stubs, paralyzed from anger.}

Director: Good ... Good! The hate is swelling in you now. You're not just angry at the keyboard — you're trying to murder it! The keyboard slept with your wife!

Actor: Graawr! {He begins pounding the keyboard, as bits of plastic start flying off it.} From hell's heart, I stab at thee with my fingers!

Director: Yes! Yes! Now do to that keyboard what you came here to do! Finish it!

Actor: Aaaaaaaaargh! {He picks up the keyboard and rips it in half with his hands, triumphantly lifting its rent, lifeless shell over his head.}

Director: Okay people, that's a wrap!

Actor: {Breathing heavily, slowly gnawing on one half of the keyboard} Grrrrrrrr ...

Director: That'll teach those idiots down at Getty Images to mock my work as "pedestrian"!

Of course, who can fathom the world of stock photography? After all, the above dialogue was all just a dream.

... Or was it?