Slylock Fox: if I pick on him, does he not bleed?

By Todd Stadler · Sunday, September 17, 2006 11:50pm

As I said before, I really enjoy reading the comics, even though I mostly enjoy not enjoying the comics.

While some might ask, "Why not seek out some actually humorous or well-done comics?" since there are probably lots of those online, my response is that there's a reason people prefer shooting fish in a barrel than actually going to the trouble of catching them with a combination of cunning, deception, and physical strength. Or at least I think I'd rather shoot fish in a barrel — never having caught a fish myself — especially if those fish were really old and told the same tired joke six days in a row. If you catch my metaphorical drift.

My point being: Slylock Fox. What's up with that?

Fig. A: Another goofy Slylock Fox for Kids; from Monday, September 11, 2006

On September 11th, Slylock tried to ease a nation's pain with a tale that was particularly baffling, though noticeably not mysterious:

Count Weirdly invited neighbors to view video of his vacation on Scabby Island. Slylock Fox suspects two of the glasses being served contain a carbonated formula invented by Weirdly that causes uncontrollable giggling. How was Slylock able to determine which contained the carbonated formula and which contained plain water?

Oh Slylock, where to start? In countless previous encounters, Slylock has accused Count Weirdly of all sorts of schemes to trick and defraud his cadre of upright (literally!) mammalian friends. Now even if all of those accusations were baseless (and either they were or Slylock's town needs to shore up its revolving-door justice system), you'd think that he'd stop hanging around "the Count".

I mean, you'd think a guy who makes a living as a detective might have noticed a pattern involving Mr. Weirdly and less-than-social behavior, or repeated accusations thereof. But noooooo. "What's that? Vacation videos? Scabby Island? Sure, why not ... I guess it's been a week since I accused you of stealing from anybody, after all! But there won't be any monsters or poisonous snakes, will there? Oh, there will? I guess that's fine — they're more likely to eat Max Mouse than me, anyhow."

So he and his friends, two single moms and their children — exactly who I'd invite to such a place — go, and the moms seem to be enjoying the videos because, hey, when was the last time you knew anyone who traveled to Scabby Island? Clearly, they're thinking, this Count fellow is adventurous, if quirky. And there's something about the moustache/muu-muu combo that's handsome on a man.

Likely getting jealous of all the attention the Count was getting from the ladies, Slylock comes up with the lamest story ever: the count is planning on slipping someone here a Mickey!

"What?!" the ladies exclaim, "Why would our nice Mr. Weirdly do that?"

"Oh, well," stumbled Slylock, caught off guard by their defensive tones. "He, uh ... it ... it makes you giggle uncontrollably."

"After all," thought Slylock, "what else would explain why you ladies are laughing so much at 'Count Freaky's' stupid vacation stories and jokes? ... 'The most popular drink on Scabby Island is Bandade blah blah blah har dee har-har'"

Continuing out loud, Slylock said, "Yeah, the drink makes you giggle ... it's ... um, carbonated."

Hey, quick thinking there, Slylock! Carbonated giggle juice. Real plausible.

By the way, your friend Max Mouse is about to get eaten by a snake, but don't let that stop your very serious investigation into effervescent funny fluids. I mean, clearly it's far more important that you stop any and all laughter than, say, save the life of your friend and constant companion.

Anyhow, having posited the, ahem, mystery, Slylock then displays his exciting deductive powers for the ladies:

The cups with the most straw showing contain the giggle formula. The bubbles in the carbonated liquid attach to the straws and cause them to float.

And in so explaining, pretty much blows any chance he might have had with these ladies. Because, seriously, who — if asked to discern which of two cups contains water and which has a carbonated liquid — gives a response about straws?

A few awkward seconds after Slylock presented his hypothesis, the pig (?) boy next to him laughed derisively and said, "Hey, brainiac, I can tell if it's carbonated even if there are no straws — don't you think the bubbles give it away, genius?"

Fig. B: A computer-enhanced image showing yet another fake tail/tale from Slylock

And then there was uncontrollable giggling from everyone except Slylock. And this time, he couldn't blame it on the soda.

Oh, and by the way, Slylock? Everyone knows that's not your real tail. It's clearly pinned to your cape. Women are not impressed by caudal toupees. Especially those worn by attention-seeking fibbers that aren't very observant.