This year's jack-o'-lantern

By Todd Stadler · Wednesday, October 25, 2006 5:23pm

Ah, October!

The only month when I can be found gladly purchasing a member of the gourd family — only to horribly disfigure it with a knife, of course. Serves the pumpkin right for being related to squash.

Now, typical jack-o'-lantern fare includes images that are ostensibly scary, such as grimacing faces, bats, and the like.

Those are all well and good, but I wanted something that, while every bit as cliched and sort-of-scary as those Halloween stalwarts, was at the same time hip and ironic. (Confound this Gen X miasma that pervades my every decision, forcing me to over-think everything!)

It took me all of a few minutes to realize what it was I had to carve, for in those few minutes, I drove by a sign bearing the very embodiment of trite spookiness.

Fig. A (left): My 2006 jack-o'-lantern. Fig. B (right): My jack-o'-lantern in creepy, dimly-lit detail.

Behold! The Starbuckolantern®! No urbanite dares look it straight in the eye. The very mention of its name makes hearers feel a cold, sugary shiver run down their spine!

Anyhow, I was really hoping to surround my jack-o'-lantern with the foam headstones of Torrefazione, Coffee People, and Seattle's Best, but I haven't gotten around to that yet.

Full non-ironic disclosure: I'm no Starbucks-hater — my sister-in-law works there, even. That said, I am saddened by the number of smaller chains they've bought up. In particular, Julia and I used to enjoy the Torrefazione on Northwest 23rd. And as someone who, at most, puts some cream in his cup, I can't stand their black coffee. But who goes to Starbucks and orders coffee black?

Anyhow, like, boo and stuff.