Starbucks: urinal to the world

By Todd Stadler · Thursday, January 11, 2007 10:31am

Ah, Starbucks! You are as present in my thoughts as you are on street corners. How often my thoughts turn to you!

The main reason I think so much about Starbucks — aside from their marketing department having made it impossible for me to do otherwise, of course — is that I am torn between my disdain for its virulence and lousy coffee (but admittedly tasty milkshakes) and my disdain for those who insist it's the worst company in the world, ever.

But this morning, I found reason to rejoice in Starbucks' much-noted ubiquity. Namely, that for every Starbucks I see on the street, there is a one-to-one ratio of more-or-less public restrooms.

It's true.

If you're like me (and I am), then you've noticed a general paucity of free, public restrooms. Trust me — I like to drink coffee and I like to walk around. You notice these things pretty fast.

To add to the problem, many stores have policies that only paying customers can use their precious toilets (so take a hike, non-paying customers — go pee in the parking lot or something).

But not Starbucks. I don't know if it's a company policy, but the barista I asked said she didn't care if I bought anything or not, I was free to use the restroom. Which was good, because I was otherwise about to notice a very under-watered shrub somewhere behind that store.

This idea of asking (while simultaneously searching for the cheapest item on display, expecting rejection) differed from my usual approach, in which Julia eyes the menu while I head off to the restroom. When I return, I always ask her if they have any low-carb coffee. To which she always responds in the negative, thus requiring us to leave, as we are of course devout Atkinsists. It's astonishing that not a single Starbucks has low-carb (black) coffee advertised on its menu! (For that matter, I have yet to find a McDonald's that sells low-carb fries, either. Strange.)

I've probably bought drinks from Starbucks less than a dozen times (which is why I'm the only person who ever actually stares at their menu and looks confused about how many options there are), but I'm familiar with their restrooms not only all over Portland, but in at least three countries on two continents!

In fact, to put too fine a point on it, I've almost certainly lost more liquid in Starbucks stores than I've taken in (let the reader understand).

So to the many people who find fault with the inexorable spread of American fast food shops, especially Starbucks, I offer this solace: don't think of it as having lost another local business, but as having gained another public restroom.