The Curves bar: yeesh

By Todd Stadler · Tuesday, October 16, 2007 12:26am

A while back, we got a free candy bar with our newspaper.

Now, I know you're not supposed to take candy from strangers, but this is different — I didn't take it. No, a stranger I didn't even see left it for us on our porch for several hours. Very different situation.

Whoops, did I say "candy bar"? I meant to say a Curves™ Bar, because that is its name.

Now I'm going to go ahead and confess that, until I was forced to do research for this article, I had no idea that Curves™ is the name of a women-only gym. This is largely due to the fact that (a) I don't work out, at any gym, and (b) I'm not a woman.

So in the process of learning all about this gym and the snacks that they cause to be tossed onto my porch in the wee hours of the morning, I also found what appears to be the official site for Curves™ Bars, which I skimmed in the interest of learning all about this bar.

Here's what I learned:

• I'm "lucky".
• "Snacking is OK. Senseless snacking is not."
• Curves™ Bars contain 100 Calories
• I should grab one "before [I] need some energy — ahead of a workout, walk or meeting."

That last point is a bit strange, given that it contradicts the previous point that Curves™ Bars don't have a lot of energy. (What's that? You didn't know that Calories were units of energy? That's what General Mills was hoping.)

100 Calories is 5% of the energy one needs for a sedentary lifestyle. So before you flop down on the couch, grab a Curves™ Bar. If you're going to work out at a Curves™ gym, better grab a handful of 'em.

But stranger yet is that the aforementioned site contains no information about what's in their food product.

Well, that's not entirely true. They say it's "calcium-rich" and "loaded with fiber". And that these bars are "chewy granola in two sundae-like flavors", "chocolate peanut" and the apparently mathtastic "strawberries+cream".

But beyond that, you don't need to know. Isn't it enough to be told that Curves™ Bars "help fill you up, without filling you out" and "help keep your bones healthy — something important at every age", without wanting to know the actual ingredients? They're good for you, dangit!

But being the nosy (and bored and easily-entertained-by-free-food) type, I pressed on, daring to actually read underneath the wrapper flap for the list of ingredients that General Mills had not thought worthy of their product's Web site.

And, you know, they have good reason for not really publicizing what goes into these things. The first ingredient is "chicory root extract". Boy, that just screams "sundae-like", don't it? I guess the price on wood pulp was too high during the product development phase. Oh, and here's a fun fact I learned while looking up chicory on Wikipedia: it "has been used ethnomedically to treat ... loss of appetite". Whoops.

But, as they say, man cannot live on chicory root extract alone. No, for that real taste sensation, you have to move a few steps down the ingredient list, after "chocolate chips", to "ethanol, shellac". Mmm — who's hungry?

To be fair, those two ingredients are constituent parts of "chocolate chips with confectioners shellac", but, um ... really? Ethanol? And do you even know what shellac (confectioners or otherwise) is? I'll give you a hint: it "comes from the secretions of the lac insect". "Sundae-like"!

Look, I'm not saying that you should be grossed out that insect byproducts can be found in your snack food. I'm saying you should be disturbed that General Mills cares more about telling you about its products "nutrition facts", than it does the ingredients. How very modern food! What do you care what's in it? It's only 100 calories! Eat it — you'll get thin! Do not look behind the curtain!

Besides, these bars appear to be a mostly repackaged, smaller version of General Mills' Fiber One™ bars.

Not that any of this stopped me from scarfing down the stupid thing when I found myself lacking anything better to snack on. And yes, it tasted exactly like chicory root extract, ethanol, and secretions of the lac insect. But in a healthy, image-empowering sort of way.