I hate you, Brassica oleracea

By Todd Stadler · Friday, October 5, 2007 1:02am

Great gravy! How long have people known about this and not told me?

I speak, of course, of the evil that is Brassica oleracea. What? You know, wild cabbage.

Why are you looking at me like that? "What's the big deal about wild cabbage," you ask?

Well, it's cabbage, first of all. I suppose cabbage wouldn't be all that bad — it has its place in dumplings and fish tacos — if that were all.

Don't give me that "What do you mean, 'if that were all'?" jive. B. oleracea is a mutant. It mutates! And cabbage is just its Dr. Jekyll side, if you will.

Now read on, if you dare, as I present to you some of the many faces of its Mr. Hyde side:

• Kale and collard greens! (Acephala group)
• Broccoli! (Italica group)
• Chinese broccoli!! (Alboglabra group)
• Cauliflower and broccoflower!! (Botrytis group)
• Kohlrabi!!?! (Gongylodes group)
• Brussels sprouts!!!!!! (Gemmifera group)

All cultivars of the same species! What do you want with me, B. oleracea? Why do you torture me with your many-faceted, foul-tasting nature? Every time I turn a corner in a dark culinary alley to find a vulgar vegetable, I rip off its mask, only to find — every time — that the villain is you! Leave me be!

Egads! The only thing that could weird me out more than that plant's mutant powers would be if, say, every apple tree variety were a bizarre, asexually-generated clone of every other tree of that variety!

I mean, try to imagine ... the horror! The horror! A vast clone army of Fuji trees! All coming after me, led by their vegetal overlord: B. oleracea!

Okay, maybe I'm overreacting, but you have to admit, produce seemed a lot more innocent before you found out about all this.

Just to be safe, I think I'm gonna have a burger tonight.

With cheese. Only.